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river

Submitted by MDT on Sun, 2012-04-22 18:55

take a
step
into
the deep
black water
with ball and chain
and a mind spited with disdain
all the words will soak in pain for an emotive refrain
squirm and quiver at the bed of ice river
sink into the pit of the mentally unfit
and forget the soil of spoils
forever

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Nordic cloud

Tue, 2012-04-24 03:13

surprised and still excited.

Wonderful MDT, this caught my attention and I became absorbed,
or should I say I drowned in it!!!

I think you mean disdain and not destain, and if you do,
I am not sure it fits exactly there, although its sentiment does.

I read it again and am equally excited about it,
I think Esker/Wolf man will like this too,
and he's a master at this sort of thing.

You leave me surprised and still excited.
Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Roscoe Lane

Tue, 2012-04-24 09:45

Read this,

Read this last night, and decided to let it sink in awhile, forgive the pun. Returned to say it floats, sorry, no i think it's a great poem, favourite line and jealous i didn't write it, LOL. and forget the soils of spoils forever. Great poem Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-04-24 14:57

Hello,

I am breathless from the reading of this poem. Then I read it a second time out loud! It has a deeper effect when one hears the words! The title is simple and I'm unsure it covers the poem completely. I love the flow of the words into longer lines. My favorite lines are:

all the words will soak in pain for an emotive refrain
squirm and quiver at the bed of ice river

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

MDT

Tue, 2012-04-24 17:45

wow...

thanks so much for all the feedback, I'm rather astounded. Thanks so much...

Peace love and harmony light the path we must take. - MDT

author comment

Nordic cloud

Wed, 2012-04-25 14:34

Cat I think the simplicity of

Cat I think the simplicity of the title doesn't take away
from the poem and at the same time gives just enough
to place one beside the river, which evokes the whole scene.
That's just me.

"Peace love and harmony light the path we must take. - MDT"
How we all wish for this, every human being regardless of religions.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Neopoet

river