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Gift of the Land

Submitted by MDT on Sat, 2012-05-26 01:55

red earth
and golden shrubs
majestic roots
and kindred bark
in which was carved
the initials of the hand
that held the blade
and the mouth that starved
for the gift of the land
a jewel made
to quench the thirst
and hunger fade
into a delicate burst
of yellow orange delight
succulent love of the sunlight,
in the heat of a boiling breeze
shadowed by the leaves
breath comes in ease
steadfast and trusting
its branches ever lusting
to reach the sky
see the one that caught the eye
grip and climb without rest
grasp the one adored best
pluck gently and peel it well
sink the teeth into an ancient spell
exploding taste buds praise in glee
And thank the earth for this Mango Tree.

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Comments

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-05-28 04:20

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This flowed yet was a little hard on the read why I am not sure, probably due to the sight of the tree was shadowed by other things going on...
"grip and climb without no rest" This line you have used what I call a double negative where without rest and No rest mean the same, together they mean "Rest"
Just needs the NO to go away lol, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Dalton

Mon, 2012-05-28 18:23

I think I have to agree with Ian's comments above. I suspect when you write you allow it to just poor out of you you can kind of see that from the flow. This is a pure way of writing however sometimes you may miss these little things that need tweaking. A fine effort an enjoyable read. I have little more to add than beware the double negative.

John

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-05-29 06:15

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and elegantly structured

I've got to ask, why did you write it?

Is there a subtext or allegory I am missing?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

MDT

Tue, 2012-05-29 10:49

MDT's picture

I was eating a mango just plucked form the mango tree in my garden :) it was scrumptious juicy and yum i had to write about it :)

Peace love and harmony light the path we must take. - MDT

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-05-29 10:51

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I am sure many people adore you.
See my signature.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

MDT

Tue, 2012-05-29 12:44

MDT's picture

well i guess I'm just a romantic, but not all my poetry is "soppy" i just don't post them on neo.

Peace love and harmony light the path we must take. - MDT

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-05-31 05:28

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unfortunately I do often post it.

Fortunately, at least later, I realise I was wrong.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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