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Requiem to a Dead Marriage
I'd shiver
I'd shake
and I'd shake
and I'd wonder why.
I'd wonder why I'd feel the way
feel the way I do
or why
I didn't feel
why you
why you didn't feel.
Anything at all
under your breath
under my breath
and all our bets
and the best laid best made
plans and words and Friday nights
all the Friday nights
and Saturdays spent alone
too little now
I just want
now
I just want
and am left wanting.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Written at the end of my first marriage
Editing stage:
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Comments
Esker
Fri, 2016-11-25 03:57
spin out
after the crash
i relate to this
physically I have
fallen down stairs
wiped out on the
bike..my money in
a rushed moment
in winter blowing down
the winter street in front
of the busy gym..
all the top alphas
who is who watching
as a ragged survivor
comes running
scooping the bills
Like memories
things slipped away
returning every dollar
"Only in North Bay"
i needed every cent
Bike wheel spinning
keys sunglasses
books.trinkets blown
out of pockets
spewed down the
trail...gather it up
amazed at the times
I didnt break anything
and gathered few
when I did..
(clavicle that spring)
there are a few places
where the wording can
be smoothed out
.
ie
"plans and words ON friday nites,
ON all friday nites.."
"ALL friday nites"
I put in on..for me it places it
to a recognition in my mind in
reading..Like it happene ON a rainy
nite....ON the spring day i awoke...
to find my heart was broken..etc...
removal of The from all THE friday nites
takes a shorter rush..
like a soliloquy or good speech
more of a stronger statement to
impact in reading...My opinion
anyway...
I just want
BUT am left wanting...
last change is tricky
the and in the remaining
line is like a meeting
when your getting
ready to get up
'and also whoever is parking
in the reserved place for
visitors please refrain from
using this spot every second
friday of the week as thats
when our accountant is
here to tally up the quotas..
that is all..everyone have
a good day'
I could be wrong with these
suggestions...
as each poet has his her
style and voice
Thank U!
But you have
caught the essence of this pang
in the aftermath
and I just want to say
that I like the clear short
way U write
freeform
everyone have a good weekend!
Mr Wolf!