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Post-modern Grief

"I love you madly,
he said self-consciously"
- Umberto Eco

He cries,
not a few vagrant tears,
anguished ripping sobs.
Hunched over,
forehead in palm,
he is also acutely aware
that to the non-existent observer
his entire persona
is a caricature
of grief.

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I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments

Grief is such a solitary thing.
Do you need a joining word such as "but" after line two??
Or is this a poetic thing I am unaware of?
I can see that it can flow from tears to anguished without much trouble, but my english would "But" it.
I can see this picture of you, as you realised Jason had left, now you can
look back and see with great feeling that solitary time.
Go well young Jess though your beliefs may differ from mine I bet you a load of Dollars you feel his presence there most times,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

This poem is about more than personal grief. Please have another look and see what you can come up with.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Yes there was more than personal grief in there,
but the understanding of what you wrote was that you have lived this.
The whole thing is a picture of purity very well written may I add, I just didn't want to dwell there as each of us have such a feeling of this state.
Take care young Jess,
Have a lovely holiday with your Kinfolk and give them all my love.
We here are having a quiet time as the young ones are the ones that will make the noises.
Yours as always Ian, Anne, Family and friends, A special love from Sadie.
PS:- looked up PMG but it is such a big subject that I will stick, damn the research lol.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I know how most freeversers value brevity so if it were me. i'd delete "to the non-existant observer". Give it a shot and see what you think..............stan

The point of the poem is not a depiction of grief but something else that makes some form of that phrase indispensable.
Can you figure it out or am I being altogether too obscure?
Maybe a new title. hmmm

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

then try changingthe to an in that line. I understand that the protagonist is so grif stricken that he's not trying to keep up appearences even though nobody else is there. If you think that's important in what you are trying to convey that's your choice. But maybe "an" will better show that it could be any non-existant viewer rather than a specific one. I myself seldom change titles so I'm not about to suggest somebody else do so lol...........stan

I may well need to expand the whole poem to include different emotions. What I am trying to get at is my observation, that especially in times of grief, and whilst partying, many people seem to try to express their feelings in ways they have seen on 'reality' tv shows and tv in general.

Have you ever noticed it? A sure give-away is when you catch people sneaking a look around to see if people are 'seeing' their emotions. I set the poem with a person alone because I believe the infection has spread so far as to make some people doubt the validity of their own private emotions.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

If you want to observe true selfabsorbed
reality" you should study infants and toddlers. They will fall down or bump themselves and immediately look around. If somebody is watching they'll cry as if they are in great inconsolable pain (All without tears of course lol). If they don't see anybody watching they'll usually just go on about their business.

As to trying to convey reactions to different emotions, if that's what you're shooting for why not do a series instead of expanding on this? By dwelling on each emotion individually you wil be better able to have readers focus on each one. But what do I know? I'm just a rank amateur.............stan

what you may lack in formal poetic education you make up for in intelligence and sensitivity.

But you know what I get really sick and tired of? Your self deprecation like "But what do I know? I'm just a rank amateur". It really pisses me off, on your behalf so to speak. If someone said that to you you would be right to get angry with them, so why say it to yourself? Give yourself a whack in the head with a bit of 4x2 and stop doing it, ok?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Firstly it's a 2x4 not 4x2 lol. There is no way to know who might be reading my comments. So sometimes when I presume to give advice It occurs to me that somebody new here might be reading it. And I don't want people going around thinking I'm something I not......hmmmm......".rank" ........now that at least is true at times lol and amateur is somebody who isn't paid. But I get the gist of your intent and shall try to continue being unpresumptous without being self derogatory. I'll leave that to others lmao.......BTW do you know why the ant had to climb up the cow's back leg the second time? .............it got pissed off the first time...........stan

It's 4x2. It sounds better and I'll be happy to demonstrate next time I visit America [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

2X4 is probably a piece of wood.
Now ears back 4X2 is a piece of material torn off of a roll that is 4 inches wide, it was used for the cleaning of the barrel of the Lee Enfield 303 rifle during WW2 it was the correct size so that you could pull it through the barrel on a pull through.
"Pull through" with its bottle of oil was stored in the butt of the rifle, it had a longish piece of metal on one end and a loop the other end which you put the 4X2 through then pulled it through the barrel, firstly to clear out the debris then the oil was applied to the 4X2 and once again pulled through.
Here endith the lesson,
PS:- The Lee Enfield 303 was one of the most accurate weapons used, damn thing hurt like hell if you failed to hold it tight into your shoulder, Magazine of around 10 X 9mm and bolt action none of this automatic stuff lol, just a better than full metal jacket.
Loves you all

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I think that Jess is so right is saying that you down your abilities Stan.
Don't you realise that there are a lot of poets that love your work and know that you are up there with any of the trained ones.
Why do you think you have been elected to the AC it is not an error it is reality, so I and probably Jess would probably like to hear no more about it from you lol..
Jess I think I see what Stan was on about, I love the child that gets hurt and looks to see who is around before reating.
He is right about bringing out a series of pieces if you have time.
One of Australia's best has written several papers on the subject of grief modern or otherwise:-
Christopher Hall MAPS, Director, Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement.
I haven't had chance to see if he covers your subject but it is such a wide field it would take ages, Take care you two and I think I shall move on to another subject lol, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Expressions of emotion have cultural components (to some degree), and learned.
Super-self awareness seems strange while in the throes of grief, sorrow, pain or even joy and rapture, but is entirely natural...we are self conscious, after all!... and concerned about being appropriate...even in the most trying times (unless, of course, one is sociopathic)

Yes, we have a tendency to question the validity of our feelings, and their expression, when self awareness intrudes, as if we had another way of emoting, i.e. without self consciousness...but we don't.

a fact of life

The short version, I like this piece. I like thinking about things. your poems instigate thought

Al

thoughtful input.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I was scouting through a grown up clearcut a few days ago. It was a real thicket at least 10 miles from nearest town. I was even out of site of even any gravel road. Being the clutz which I have become my feet got tangled in some honey suckle vines. Which immediately led to me being face down. First thing I did? Looked up to see if anybody saw my acrobatics lol. Shows how ingrained that trait can be lol........stan

and there is no question that your embarrassment was authentic.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Age has turned me from beind lithe and stealthy to a bumbling stumbler... but I reckon that , at least at this time, it's better than the alternative lmao.........stan

He cries,
not a few vagrant tears,
anguished ripping sobs.
Hunched over,
forehead in palm,
he is also acutely aware
that to the non-existent observer
his entire persona
is a caricature
of grief.

I like this it makes us the observer of the unobserved and private grief of the subject , language can open the paradoxical box for us to look into that way and you've done it here. The irony would be palpable were it not for the opening line " not a few" which is a little forced when many would have done just as well. Apart from that do you think an entire persona can be elucidated from a glimpse; even by an non existent observor? But that's a niggle. I like this for all the wrong reasons mostly because it makes the reader work to disentangle the subtle levels of image and thought. Clever but not perfect.

Jimm

reading this, i couldn't help but visualise a Rodin-like The Thinker figure. a man acutely aware
of his pain, yet just as acutely aware that to the observer - existent or not - he is
no more than a figure depicting that pain. reminds me how alone we all really are, at that level.

no waste of words, and your well chosen ones, collectively, pack a punch.
love the title.

right at the title. An followed it right through the poem. Well done indeed. This is in the same camp as my write "Sarcastically Miserable" When grief, and emotions become scripted performances.

In ink,
David

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