I just received a most upsetting epistle from my poor old Uncle Albert
sent from his twilight care home
and I noticed the envelope was slightly odorous
which reminded me of his double-ended incontinence
I often get letters from him but this last one
really upset me a little bit so please
don't read any further if you are queasy and liable to boking.

"Dear nephew or niece" (that's how old Albert's letter started off)
"I am in a bad way here at Doomstone Nursing Home
but don't worry as I don't have Covid-19 yet
although the romanian homosexualist three beds along
was carted off to the euthanasia room
coughing his lungs out yesterday
and I don't expect we'll be seeing him again
this side of the graveyard anyway
not that I would recognise him
(but that's alzheimer's for you).

"I think I told you about mrs williamson
and she said I should call her millie
or it might have been maisie
that was after she showed me her beaver,
and I said it was probably the nicest one
I had since since my darling elizabeth
passed away en route
to a better place than this vale of fucking tears.

"I'm not sure if I mentioned how bad the stink is
round here in the days before bath night
but at least we won't have to suffer
that smelly romanian any more or he
might have been bulgarian anyway
I always get those two mixed up
as I get confused about immigrants
especially balkans but anyway
one is a midget and the other is nearly seven foot high
and the other bit of news is that
they came and took away old mr jones
he's the one who goes to the toilet in public
has he got no shame bloody welshman
mainly because he stopped breathing
but I managed to get hold
of his vibrator and I won't have to wait
for my turn and it will be cleaner too
probably.

"So, must close now as the nigerian nurse
wants to deep clean my bed as there's a virus
going round which is taking some of the oldies
out like flies being got by a tarantula
I have asked millie or maisie to let me send you
a selfie of her beaver but she said no
it was private and I could piss off
I would be lost if I didn't have family
to write too and I might lose my marbles."

I'm very worried about Uncle Albert in case
he gets the Corona before he changes his will
in my favour as he seems to have forgiven me
for not visiting him these past few years
so it's not all bad news I suppose.
But honestly the stench in his ward
is enough to knock Roy Rogers
off his horse, Tonto.