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Original Sin
They lied from the beginning,
From the origin of sinning.
They had false explanations,
For their greedy explorations.
They sought to hide the proof,
Through rewriting of the truth.
Cancelling out all those Awake,
Because they know what is at stake.
Now they fear their lies may be uncovered,
Are determined they're not discovered.
They seek to lock up those who dissent,
Those want to stop and to prevent,
The greed that's swallowed up our world,
Sees common decency unfurled.
It turns people against each other
To the extent, nature won't recover.
Yet it is never is too late,
As long as we don't hesitate.
Not too late to take a stand,
Against all this evil they have planned.
And the secret is for us to unite,
To fight against this sinful plight.
Because together we can defeat,
And give human kindness a seat.
Good can ultimately win,
It can help to conquer sin.
Because 'they' are the devil's envoy,
And it's our goodness they seek to destroy.
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neopoet
Tue, 2023-06-13 17:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
In "Original Sin," the poem explores the theme of lies and deceit that have led to the decline of morality and the environment. The poem calls for unity and collective action to overcome these challenges and restore goodness. Here are some suggestions for improvement:
1. Imagery and metaphors: The poem could benefit from incorporating more vivid imagery and metaphors to create a stronger emotional impact on the reader. For example, instead of saying "The greed that's swallowed up our world," you could use a metaphor that conveys the destructive nature of greed more effectively.
2. Consistency in rhyme scheme: The poem follows an AABB rhyme scheme, but there are some inconsistencies. For example, "Cancwling out all those Awake" does not rhyme with "Because they know what is at stake." Consider revising the lines to maintain a consistent rhyme scheme throughout the poem.
3. Rhythm and meter: The poem's rhythm and meter could be improved for a smoother reading experience. Some lines have more syllables than others, which disrupts the flow of the poem. For example, the line "They seek to lock up those who dissent" has more syllables than the surrounding lines. Consider revising the lines to have a more consistent number of syllables.
4. Clarity: Some lines are difficult to understand, which may hinder the reader's comprehension of the poem's message. For example, "Cancwling out all those Awake" seems to have a typo and is unclear in meaning. Consider revising such lines for better clarity.
5. Punctuation: The poem lacks punctuation, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the intended pauses and breaths. Consider adding punctuation to guide the reader through the poem.
By addressing these points, the poem can be refined to create a more engaging and impactful reading experience. The theme of the poem is relevant and thought-provoking, and with some revisions, it can be more effectively conveyed to the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Tigger Kaz
Sat, 2023-06-17 05:11
Have to disagree with AI
The beauty of poetry is that it is so versatile. With over 100 different forms of poetry.
I guess this makes it difficult for AI to be totally accurate hey.
If the reader works consecutively down the poem, then it makes perfect sense.
Poems don't always have to contain metaphors surely.
author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2023-06-17 06:47
dear Tigger Kaz,
I very much agree with the basis of your poem. it made me want to throw water balloons at the heads of men like Donald Trump!
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Tigger Kaz
Sat, 2023-06-17 18:44
Yeah I know what you mean
And don't you just hate how these people, always seem to wriggle out of stuff. It's like mud never sticks to them hey.
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