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Intense Feelings

Submitted by Tigger Kaz on Sat, 2023-07-15 18:54

Though weary cracks may appear,
and like burning coals they start to sear.
Acutely twisting the knife, that little bit more,
All intending to settle my moody score.

Designed to open up scars that are so deep,
They bring forth tears, that see me weep.
As well as creating a cloud that fogs my mind,
In a multitude of ways, so cruel and unkind.

And try as I may, to find a way,
To escape this madness, and live day to day.
Struggling to push these feelings out, all the while,
I try to paint on a fakery kind of smile.

Grief and memories come back to bite,
Even when I try ever harder to fight.
They push out my past feelings of joy,
In their mission to seek out and destroy.

Yet I know deep down in the recess of my heart,
Where one feeling ends, another will start.
So I hang on to this pearl of hope,
Knowing that it's the only way I can cope.

Some day these troubles will seem far away, hopefully that's where these feelings will stay.
A distant memory, a buried trouble,
Hidden away in my sorrow's rubble.

Replaced with much joy and pleasant stuff,
To help when life gets a little tough.
And when my troubles eventually depart,
A future of hope will inevitably start.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Wrote this following the news that father father had died. Emotions seem so all over the place. Feelings I didn't expect, as he had been estranged from him for a number of years.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-07-16 01:00

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Intense Feelings" effectively communicates a sense of struggle and hope. The use of vivid imagery and metaphors, such as "weary cracks," "burning coals," and "sorrow's rubble," adds depth to the emotional landscape the poem is trying to depict. However, the system suggests some areas for potential improvement.

1. Consistency in Meter: The poem seems to follow a rhyming scheme, but the meter, or the rhythmic structure, appears inconsistent. This inconsistency can disrupt the flow and rhythm of the poem. For example, the line "Struggling to push these feelings out, all the while," is noticeably longer than the other lines in the same stanza. It might be beneficial to revise the poem with a consistent meter in mind.

2. Use of Clichés: Phrases like "paint on a fakery kind of smile" and "hang on to this pearl of hope" are somewhat clichéd. While they convey the intended meaning, they might not provide the reader with a fresh or unique perspective. Replacing these with more original expressions could enhance the poem's impact.

3. Show, Don't Tell: The poem often tells the reader what the speaker is feeling rather than showing these emotions through concrete images or actions. For example, instead of stating "Grief and memories come back to bite," the poem could describe a specific memory or event that triggers the speaker's grief. This approach could make the emotional content more engaging and relatable to the reader.

4. Punctuation: The poem uses punctuation inconsistently. Some lines end with a comma, some with a period, and others with no punctuation at all. Consistent punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify its meaning.

Overall, the poem effectively communicates a journey from struggle to hope, but revising for consistency in meter, originality in language, specificity in emotional content, and punctuation could enhance its impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Tigger Kaz

Sun, 2023-07-16 05:39

Tigger Kaz's picture

Each line of my poem has either a comma or full stop at the end.. I am at a loss to where AI has seen lines with nothing at the end?

When there are over 100 different forms of poetry.. I am not sure why lines have to be of equal length.

Lastly I ticked the be gentle box, but clearly AI isn't clever enough to take note of this.

Still it is heartening to know AI is a long way off reaching the human mind. Which clearly is far more superior.

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