Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Drowned by my Past
My head is pounding,
my stomach's churning.
A mountain of stress,
that's most concerning.
A burdened mind,
so full of chaos.
Joyful thoughts,
seem so way off.
And as I struggle,
with such madness.
All of my joy,
gets replaced by sadness.
Yet though I know,
this will not last.
My mind's drowned,
by my awful past.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Contest
Workshop
- Splash Pool: How to use imagery in poetry..
- Wading Pool: Neopoet How To Video Resources
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-07-18 22:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Swamped by my Past" effectively uses rhyme and rhythm to convey a sense of emotional turmoil and distress. The consistent ABAB rhyme scheme and the four-line stanzas provide a structure that contrasts with the chaotic feelings expressed in the poem, which could be seen as a reflection of the speaker's attempt to impose order on their chaotic emotions.
However, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery or metaphors. While the phrases "mountain of stress" and "burdened mind" convey the speaker's feelings, they are somewhat generic. More unique or personal imagery could make the poem more engaging and emotionally resonant.
The poem also tends to tell rather than show the speaker's emotions. For example, the line "All of my joy, Gets replaced by sadness" directly states what the speaker is feeling. Showing these emotions through actions, physical sensations, or changes in the speaker's environment could make the poem more powerful.
The poem's theme of being haunted by the past is a universal one that many readers can relate to. However, the poem could delve deeper into this theme. For example, it could explore why the speaker's past is so distressing, how it affects their present, or how they are trying to cope with it. This could add depth and complexity to the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Wed, 2023-07-19 21:09
Swamped By My Past
Hello, TK,
Great fast pace and rhyme which really emphasized the anxiety within the poem. I wonder if it needs both caps and punctuation - maybe one or the other? Perhaps "drowned" or something similar instead of the word "replaced" to go along with the overwhelming feeling of being swamped? Very strong poem.
Thank you!
L