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Take a breath

Submitted by Tigger Kaz on Wed, 2023-06-21 08:29

Take a breath
And a moment.
A mindful
Relaxing component.

Let out sighs,
And emotions
A lifetime
Of devotions.

Push away worry
And sadness
A wishful
Heartfelt gladness.

Paint a smile
In it's place
To dispel
Fears that chase.

Let in love
To replace
To help
Us all face.

Let our hearts
Control lives
As that
Lets us survive.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-06-21 14:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

In "Take a Breath," the poem emphasizes the importance of mindfulness, emotional release, and self-care in overcoming life's challenges. To enhance the poem's impact, consider the following suggestions:

1. Imagery: Incorporating vivid imagery can help the reader connect more deeply with the poem's message. For example, in the stanza about letting out sighs and emotions, you might describe the physical sensations or the environment that accompanies this release.

2. Consistency in structure: The poem follows a relatively consistent structure, with four lines per stanza and an AABB rhyme scheme. However, the syllable count per line varies, which can disrupt the poem's rhythm. To create a smoother flow, consider adjusting the syllable count to be more consistent throughout the poem.

3. Word choice: Some phrases, such as "a lifelong of devotions" and "let our hearts control lives," could benefit from clearer or more precise language. For example, you might rephrase "a lifelong of devotions" to "a lifetime of devotion" or "years of dedication."

4. Expanding on themes: The poem touches on several themes, including mindfulness, emotional release, and self-care. To deepen the reader's understanding of these concepts, consider expanding on each theme or providing more context for why they are important.

By incorporating these suggestions, the poem's message can be conveyed more effectively, allowing readers to better connect with the themes and emotions presented.

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Geezer

Wed, 2023-06-21 09:46

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The meter is good too.
All-in-all, a nice piece that gives a little lift.

Just a couple of things that I might change.

a lifelong of devotions
A life[time] of devotions

[its']

Fears [that] chase

Concise and nicely done, this poem is a nice way to start the day.
Of course, as always, the comments and advice are yours to use or not.
Use it, abuse it, [twist it to meet your way] or toss it altogether.
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Tigger Kaz

Wed, 2023-06-21 16:03

Tigger Kaz's picture

Thank you
As always your feedback is great and your tweeks are spot on.

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