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Happiness Gain

Submitted by Tigger Kaz on Sat, 2023-07-22 16:44

Like a lump in the throat,
Or a tightly wound knot.
A life's tune missing a note,
Yet not one I forgot.

Like a brick filled bag,
Adding weight everyday.
A burdensome swag,
That just won't go away.

Yet on sunnier days,
When warmth dulls the pain.
I make a pact, show pain the door.
My head held high once again.

And when I start on my joyful train,
My gloomy resolve begins to sway.
Happiness becomes my ultimate gain,
to improve my mood more each day.

For such hope is within my reach,
When burdens are sent packing.
And life can be more of a beach,
If my misery is more lacking.

Burdens please hear my final plea,
Vacate, be gone, allow me salvation.
Replace your bricks with sunny glee,
Raise me up with positive elavation.

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neopoet

Sat, 2023-07-22 22:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Happiness Gain" employs an effective use of simile and metaphor to convey a sense of emotional struggle, burden, and eventual relief. The structure is consistent, with each stanza composed of four lines and a clear rhyme scheme (ABAB), which contributes to the poem's overall rhythm and flow.

However, the poem could benefit from a more varied vocabulary. For example, the word "like" is used to start two stanzas, which can feel repetitive. Experimenting with different ways to introduce comparisons could enhance the poem's linguistic richness.

Additionally, the transition between the second and third stanza seems abrupt. The poem moves from a heavy, burdensome tone to a lighter, more hopeful one without much explanation or development. Providing more context or using transitional language could help to make this shift feel more natural and less sudden.

Lastly, the final line, "for my happiness gain," is somewhat ambiguous. It's unclear whether the speaker is gaining happiness or if "happiness gain" is a metaphor for something else. Clarifying this could help to strengthen the poem's overall message and impact.

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