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Ode to Miss Jones
Miss Jones – No!
Don’t play me like you do.
My strings are not so taut
that I can stand your mellow tones,
nor will my bow sleep in my hand
whilst you seduce me with your notes.
Though I’m tied to another’s band
my quavers, unquivered, will shoot your heart.
With crotchets flying to your breast
I will play my best scored part
and all your worries will soon depart.
Once our music has done its thing
and minims note where birds should sing
you will breve your last sweet sigh
Then I will whisper “Jones - Goodbye”.
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-04-07 06:01
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Ode to Miss Jones" is a passionate and emotive expression of unrequited love. The speaker, who is clearly a musician, addresses Miss Jones, warning her not to play him like an instrument. The use of musical terminology throughout the poem creates a cohesive and effective metaphor for the speaker's feelings.
The poem's structure is also well-crafted. The use of enjambment between the stanzas creates a sense of fluidity, as if the music is flowing naturally from the speaker's heart. The final line, "Then I will whisper 'Jones - Goodbye'", is a powerful and poignant conclusion to the poem, conveying the speaker's sense of resignation and heartbreak.
However, there are a few areas in which the poem could be improved. The first line, "Miss Jones - No!", feels abrupt and does not flow well with the rest of the poem. It might be more effective to rephrase this line to better fit the overall tone and structure of the poem.
One suggested line edit could be: "Miss Jones, please do not play me so." This edit maintains the same sentiment as the original line, but flows more smoothly with the rest of the poem and adds a touch of politeness.
Overall, "Ode to Miss Jones" is a well-written and emotionally charged poem that effectively uses musical imagery to convey the speaker's feelings of longing and heartbreak. With a few minor adjustments, it could be even stronger.
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Entend2u
Fri, 2023-04-07 10:51
Thanks AI
Your comments are a revelation - I was sceptical about the offer of A1 comment but no more.
You say "The first line, "Miss Jones - No!", feels abrupt and does not flow well with the rest of the poem". This line is meant to be abrupt - it is a hurt human being (A) imploring another human being (B) (who is potentially going to do the hurting) to be kind. I could change this but only by replacing "No!" with "Don't!" because A knows full well what B is going to try and do - which is to cruelly play on his heartstrings. But A is given the last word by telling B that he will over power her, seduce her and have his wicked way and then he will walk away.
author commentObadiah Grey
Fri, 2023-04-07 09:53
Hello there.
Hello there.
I find that whenever someone uses "Don't" in a poem I instantly get adversarial,
not sure why but it comes across as didactic and negative.
That said, and out of the way, your piece uses metaphor to great effect.
You nailed the final four lines,,,,,,,,,, Love it !
Obi.
Entend2u
Fri, 2023-04-07 10:55
Thanks Obadiah
Sorry about the "Don't" but that's my mother telling me to stop doing something - sometimes accompanied by a slapped wrist - pity she's not still around. Also see my reply to the A1
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2023-04-07 11:57
Very well done...
I totally agree with the AI's assessment of the musical background and the great use of the terminology. You do try to warn Miss. Jones that your musical score will be a coda or outro. Very well done! ~ Geezer.
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Entend2u
Sat, 2023-04-08 01:33
Cheers Geezer
there are threads weaving through this poem that mean a lot to me (and also see my poem "If you knew her you would know - Maestro Moon) because they are both about a real woman whose surname is Jones. The song "Me and Mrs Jones" also gets me every time -
https://www.google.co.uk/search?as_q=&as_epq=me+and+mrs+jones&as_oq=&as_...
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