Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Myth by Ron BlueDemon77

At the rusted gates standing, alone and naked
-
jeered at by the guard who thinks I won't make it
-
what they don't know is assassin's blood
-
that flows through me in tornadic flood
-
-
The fantasies and stories and campfire tales
-
are my history, mystery, science, and sails
-
I fight dragons with penstroke, and ogres with keys
-
their legends my life, their tall-tales my breeze
-
-
Be damned the drawbridge, I scaled the high tower
-
in a matter of minutes and released all our power
-
I killed all the evil, taught the innocents true
-
tore down the banners and brought the night dew
-
-
The secret unknown to the ones that I'm beating
-
the legends are true, we're all heroes repeating

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
"We gonna go medieval on your ass"- Ving Rhames as Marsallus Wallace in Pulp Fiction.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good old frolic in the mythological creation of man, or is it a myth lol.
My dragons is real as they were thought of by the ages of man. and if he thinks then therefore he be's.
There aren't enough dragons these days the children would rather kill other humons in their games that hunt the elusive dragon.
Liked the write but it seemed a little withdrawn, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I appreciate the complements and criticisms.

Ron
BD77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I wanted this one to explode that was all, it is good as is but just me looking far too close lol,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for giving it a look, My psychic abilities tell me I'll be doing a few drafts of this one.....hehe. The message is explosive. It may take me some time to find words that fit and empower the concept.

Ron
BD77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

but as Ian says: It just seems to be a little flat. I'm sure that you will find ways to spice it up. Sometimes it's just a little more work. A few more drafts and you will have it I'm sure! Nice start ! ~ Gee

Comments and critique are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

I appreciate it!

Ron
BD77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I could do without the hyphens between lines, which I don't think are necessary, but this piece rises well to a good crescendo, and the images are good. I particularly like the last two lines, which are so very true.

A few things to consider...

In line #2, you make referance to "the guard", then on the next line you refer to the singular guard as "they". I would change "the guard" to "guards" in line #2, and I think that would improve the cadence as well.

In lines #5 and #6,

"The fantasies and stories and campfire tales
-
are my history, mystery, science, and sails"

I would drop the word "the" on line #5, then replace the first instance of the word "and" on the same line with a comma, so that line #5 starts with the word "fantasies" instead. This would make the two lines closer in structure, and would improve the cadence there, I think.

In line 12, I find the phrase "night dew" rather incongruous, and very passive. It does not fit the atmosphere of the rest of the poem, to me, and it threw me off quite a bit. Perhaps "night through" would be a better choice, or "light through" or "dawn through", for more positive connotations.

But for swords and sorcery poetry, which is pretty well-worn stuff, this is good, even with "dew".

I look forward to your edit.

Keep writing,

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I have a PS three but generally use it as a Blu-ray player and media center. I do have L.A. Noire but that's the only game for PS3 I have. I've seen commercials for Asassin's Creed and God of War and they look great. I keep a PC copy of Elder Scrolls: Skyrim around if I'm in the mood to immerse myself in gameplay. Thanks for responding!

Ron
BD77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.