Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

In the Morning, with Bitterness - Free verse

I walked into the kitchen
and saw your note
full of lies,
full of spite,
full of casual malice,
and sighed a familiar sigh
as I took it down
from the fridge.

I read it once again
as I opened a drawer for matches
and stepped outside
into the clean,
fresh,
morning.
A morning of promise,
a morning of hope,
a morning you worked to sabotage
with your cruelty.

As the cool breeze touched my tears
and mocked my familiar melancholy,
I set your note on fire
and let it flutter to the ground,
eating away at your hatred
your masquerade of love,
your faithless affection.

And as I turned my back
to step inside and wait
for your inevitable return
I prayed that I might
find the strength
to leave the door,
and my heart,
barred against
your poison charm.

This once.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is produced by request. I do not normally operate in free verse but Ian asked if I might cast a recent blank verse work into free verse and this is the result.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This shows the difference between the two types of writing, From a story type "Free Verse" to your polished piece of formal poetry.
I love both, though in retrospect the formal poem was better at holding my thoughts.
Thank you for showing the changes it is seldom that we see the bones of poetry conveyed so well.
This would make a good example piece for others to learn from.
Thank you for your great write, I hope others see this and learn.
Yours Ian.T
PS:- To all poets.
Here I have put the original:-

In the Morning, with Bitterness

Submitted by Pugilist on Mon, 2014-05-19 15:12

I found the note you left for me
then walked outside to catch my breath
and struck a match to light this fraud
to watch it slowly burn to ash.

And as the ash blew in the wind
it carried off your frequent lies;
I shed a tear for innocence
of wasted beats of broken hearts.

And now, I wait, impatiently,
for your return and promises
praying that I will find the strength
to send you on your faithless way.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

by complaining about your "Last few words"
I realise now their purpose and that they prejudiced me against your poetry, as being cold and clinical. This was precisely the right forum in which to use them.

Between the two versions of this poem, I frankly prefer the free-verse form. But that is only my own preference. I like a more 'organic' form of poetry, though can write both as subject requires..

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Well what a difference that made, and I am not just blowing smoke up your ass when I say you really should write more free verse, like Jess I preferred your free verse but for me it spoke to me more emotionally it maybe that I am a sook and am drawn more to that style of writing lol but that's how it was for me

Loved this Jonathan and I have to add I have always appreciated your last words and the outline of your intent and the completed poem, its always a learning experience

love Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I sincerely appreciate the comments and observations.

While I don't often work in Free Verse, it is not from a lack of respect for the style. Rather, for me, it's a matter of looking at poetry as a sculpture rather than a painting.

With free verse, I view it as adding layers until you create the desired effect. With structured verse, I look at it as taking away the everything that is not the poem until you are left with the hidden meaning within the words.

I believe both approaches are valid though I prefer the latter.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.