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Lovergirl

Submitted by hippiemoon on Sun, 2024-02-04 22:06

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Writing you poems
And singing you songs

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Whatever you say goes,
You can do no wrong.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Don’t worry about me,
I’m always fine.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Get high off your kiss
Get drunk off cheap wine.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Play with my heart,
It’s yours to abuse.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Go with other girls
It’s me you can use.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
You’ll think I’m fucking crazy
And maybe you’re right.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
My emotions change quickly
Like day into night.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
You’ll knock me right down
But I’ll stay by your side.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Make me feel how you want
The tears always subside.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
Like a loyal old dog
I won’t give up on you.

I’ll be your perfect little lovergirl
I’ll stay by your side
Til I’m sure that we’re through.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

I rhymed in a poem for once!!

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 02/04/24 to 02/10/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-02-05 04:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Lovergirl" utilizes repetition effectively to emphasize the speaker's devotion and subservience to the subject of their affection. The repeated phrase "I'll be your perfect little lovergirl" serves to create a rhythm and structure that guides the reader through the poem.

However, the poem could benefit from more varied language and imagery. The current language is quite straightforward and literal, which leaves little room for interpretation or deeper meaning. By incorporating more metaphorical language or vivid descriptions, the poem could evoke stronger emotions and create a more impactful reading experience.

The poem also seems to revolve around a single theme of unrequited love and self-sacrifice. While this theme is powerful and relatable, the poem could be more complex and engaging if it explored other aspects of the speaker's experience or emotions. For example, the speaker could reflect on why they are so devoted to this person, or how their feelings have evolved over time.

Lastly, the poem's rhythm and meter could be more consistent. The current rhythm is somewhat irregular, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it harder to read. By adjusting the syllable count or stress pattern in each line, the poem could achieve a more consistent and pleasing rhythm.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Alex Tanner

Mon, 2024-02-05 11:15

Poor old AI

Hello Hippie. Don't take too much notice of AI. He has no soul and cannot see deep into a work. Sometimes he will give a bit of useful advice but generally his comments are the same. I enjoyed reading this, the lady (is it you?) is the opposite of the ones I like to portray. I would have liked a little more punctuation to break it up and perhaps bring more emphasis but it seems punctuation is not fashionable in these times. Having said that, I enjoyed it immensely, simple, direct, easy to read as, I think, poetry should be. Alex

hippiemoon

Tue, 2024-02-06 11:43

Thank you Alex!

Thank you for your comment! I agree, AI does not always have great advice. Thank you for your feedback, I’ll take a look at where I can add some punctuation to make the poem flow better :)

author comment

Clentin

Sat, 2024-02-10 07:34

Liked your poem. I think you

Liked your poem. I think you express in lively terms the thoughts about how we try to please those we love.

Clentin

Sun, 2024-02-11 06:47

Congrats! Great poem. Keep

Congrats! Great poem. Keep writing.

hippiemoon

Mon, 2024-02-12 22:08

Thank you so much!!

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2024-02-10 19:20

Congratulations...

on winning Neopoem of the Week! Nicely done! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

hippiemoon

Mon, 2024-02-12 22:09

Thank you Geezer!! I’ve

Thank you Geezer!! I’ve appreciated your feedback:)

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2024-02-13 11:14

You...

are welcome. I'm not always right or the best, but I try hard to give the best I can. If you feel that I have gotten something wrong, and didn't understand what you were going for, always let me know. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

hippiemoon

Sun, 2024-02-18 22:18