Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Being the one Before The One
Loving has always been second nature for me.
Even when I don’t want to,
When I know it will hurt me,
I love everyone around me with my entire heart,
Body,
And soul.
Some people have taken advantage of this.
They know they have my love to fall back on,
So they give their hearts away
To girls who are not me,
While crushing mine in their fist.
It’s not an easy task,
Being the one before The One,
But I don’t necessarily mind doing it.
I’ve read enough fairytales to know that life is not like this forever.
So I will continue giving others my heart for safekeeping,
And I will be less and less surprised when it gets chipped, bruised, and broken.
I’ll take out the dustpan and broom,
Pick up my broken, beaten, bloody mess of a heart,
And thank you for your time
And wish you the best of luck with The One.
And one day, someone will come along.
I’ll let him hold my heart, as I always do.
I’ll brace myself for the shatter, for the cracks,
For those dreaded five words:
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
And the shatters won’t come.
He will trace my scars
And his touch will heal them.
He’ll hold my heart gently,
And he’ll hold me the same way.
The scars will fade over time
And the bruises will wash away.
And those chipped places,
The pieces of my heart I’ve lost to one boy or another,
Will be filled in by him.
He will notice the chips
And the missing pieces
And he will pull parts from his own heart
To make sure that mine is full.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
The first “the one” in the title is not capitalized on purpose :)
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2024-03-04 21:22
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively communicates a narrative of heartbreak and healing, utilizing vivid imagery and metaphors to convey the speaker's emotional journey. The structure is consistent, which aids in the flow of the narrative.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied language and a deeper exploration of the speaker's emotions. The repeated use of the word 'heart' may become monotonous for the reader and detract from the emotional impact of the poem. Consider using synonyms or metaphors to describe the speaker's feelings and experiences.
The poem could also delve deeper into the speaker's emotional state. While the narrative of heartbreak and healing is clear, the speaker's emotions are mostly told rather than shown. For instance, instead of stating "I love everyone around me with my entire heart," show this love through the speaker's actions or thoughts. This will allow the reader to better empathize with the speaker and become more invested in their journey.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more unique and specific details. While the narrative is relatable, it is also somewhat generic. Adding unique details or experiences could make the poem more memorable and impactful. For example, instead of saying "girls who are not me," describe these girls in a way that highlights why they are different from the speaker.
Overall, this poem has a strong narrative and emotional core, but could be improved with more varied language, deeper emotional exploration, and more unique details.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Alex Tanner
Tue, 2024-03-05 14:28
Hello
Hello hippie. Another fine piece. Alex
hippiemoon
Wed, 2024-03-06 08:51
Thank you for your comment
Thank you for your comment Alex! I appreciate your support :)
hugs,
hippiemoon
author comment