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In the Stars / Drunk Walk Home
I think I saw you in the stars
On my drunk walk home.
The liquor still buzzed in my head
And I was adorned with trophies.
The trophies in question being angry marks
From dark kisses
Of strange men
Whose names I would not remember in the morning.
But for a second,
I saw you in the stars.
I almost called you,
You could’ve talked to the liquor
That was inhabiting my blood.
I’m not sure why I almost called,
I don’t miss you anymore.
Your laugh isn’t the soundtrack of my life,
And I think if I heard your voice
It would take a second to recognize it.
But I saw you on my drunk walk home
And I threw my shoes up at you,
As if to pull you from the galaxy
And back down to me.
You had said you needed space
But I didn’t know you were an astronaut.
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-02-13 04:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "In the Stars / Drunk Walk Home" presents a compelling narrative of longing, regret, and the struggle to move on. The use of metaphor and imagery is effective in conveying the speaker's emotional state. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
The phrase "I think I saw you in the stars" is a strong opening line that immediately sets a tone of introspection and longing. However, the transition from this line to the description of the speaker's intoxicated state could be smoother. The abrupt shift in tone can be jarring and disrupts the flow of the poem.
The stanza about the "trophies" is intriguing but could benefit from further clarification. The metaphor of "trophies" as "angry marks" from "strange men" is a potent image, but its connection to the rest of the poem is unclear. Is it a symbol of the speaker's attempts to forget the person they're addressing? If so, this could be made more explicit.
The line "You could’ve talked to the liquor / That was inhabiting my blood" is a powerful image that effectively conveys the speaker's desire for connection. However, the subsequent lines about not missing the person and not recognizing their voice seem to contradict this sentiment. If this contradiction is intentional, it could be made clearer to enhance the emotional complexity of the poem.
Finally, the ending lines about the person being an astronaut are a clever twist, but they seem to come out of nowhere. If the space/astronaut metaphor could be introduced earlier in the poem, it would make the ending feel more connected to the rest of the piece.
Overall, the poem has a strong emotional core and uses striking imagery and metaphor. With some refinement and clarification, it could be even more impactful.
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MermaidMaster
Tue, 2024-02-13 19:53
this poem cuts deep very well
this poem cuts deep very well done HM. My favorite lines are:
"Your laugh isn’t the soundtrack of my life,
And I think if I heard your voice
It would take a second to recognize it."
Great job!!
-MM
<3
hippiemoon
Wed, 2024-02-14 15:17
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comment MM! Can’t wait to read more of your work.
-hippiemoon
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-02-16 05:10
Dear Hippimoon
I know those feelings...but they come from another world...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
hippiemoon
Sat, 2024-02-17 11:18
Dear Cat
Thank you for your comment!! I appreciate your support.
Love,
hippiemoon
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