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longdistance by BlueDemon77
passing between soft lips
the breeze-blown cloth of nightgown
and imagination
the soft skin
your cover is touching
the laces
stretch and slide across
softness kissing warmth
A brown jewel
I long to kiss
black lace releases
the mystery
braided in code
I must solve
silk black hair
I will kiss her again
and as I sit here
many miles away
I envy the cloth's very contact
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
There is still a place here for an requited love poem I think : )
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Columbus, Ohio
Favorite Poets
Rimbaud, Coleridge, Sylvia Plath, Robert Lowell, Allen Ginsberg, Ai, Langston Hughes, Maxine Kumin, Anne Sexton, Kerouac, Burroughs, Amiri Baraka, Wallace Stevens.
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Comments
arja
Tue, 2012-09-04 06:36
..wow! truly a memorable
..wow! truly a memorable image of longing..hoping..here's something that hits close to the (my) heart.. ;)
BlueDemon77
Thu, 2012-09-06 09:54
Thanks arja!
I'm very happy you enjoyed it!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2012-09-04 10:13
yes I like it, but I don’t
yes I like it, but I don’t find any of it memorable
sorry Ron, that doesn’t mean it's not well written, lol,
just that it doesn’t fit what I expect from the workshop
although the poem is beautifully written, with some great imagery, there really isn’t a line that stands out for me (in that it rings in my head and I want to remember it) It is an age-old emotion said in a new way, but not a memorable one (for me I stress)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Ian.T
Thu, 2012-09-06 11:44
Ron
We call them Nu Nu's where a piece of cloth holds a perfume or just reminds us of someone.
As men look silly with one I carry special memories in my mind that are equal to the task.
I liked this piece and it gave out many things, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
BlueDemon77
Fri, 2012-09-07 02:41
Thanks Ian!
I appreciate your comment a great deal. I can not disagree with Judy about the common-ness of the poem, nor would I try to imagine metaphysical or philosophical content that is certainly not there. It is a simple and true poem of missing someone I was (and am still) in love with. I like different poems for different reasons and what I love about this one is the naked honesty of the emotion. I'm happy to say the story had a happy ending, with an upcoming thirteenth wedding anniversary in December and our effort to get pregnant. Though it may not be memorable to some, I'd be hard-pressed to find a poem among my work that is more memorable to me.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentIan.T
Fri, 2012-09-07 04:04
Ron
At a loss for what Judy said, I think it is the two differing points.
1.. Is the poem going to be remembered by the reader for its content.
2.. Is the poem a memory of the reader that is important to them.
Yours is the later, I think that to be remembered for its content, it is not for many readers. That everyone has a Nu Nu at some time in their lives is very important and memorable.
I think yours hits this point spot on.
As to my first criteria that it is a piece that is remembered by many for its beauty or content in any way, then as Judy says this is run of the mill.
I tried in My memories Birthday to remind others of what their troops did for them in 1944, but this is way below the mark for a memorable poem, I think we have to wait and see what the others think on this one.
Now I have to try and make a memorable one for the workshop..
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
arja
Fri, 2012-09-07 06:03
i agree with Ian!
..since this poem is about reminiscing an experience, which becomes memorable in time..and it resides with the truth, but without the images it would have not been effective to me..the words may not be that memorable, but it was the moment experienced..