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lonely heart

I felt you drift away
as the tethers slipped,
I knew I'd be alone
ties that bound were clipped

I always knew that day
would eventually come around,
I know that it's a wonder
I couldn't hear an earthly sound

I watched as your chest fell
you took that final gasp,
and all around was silent
as your body I'd enclasped

As I held on for a dear life
I didn't know up from down,
knowing I had to say goodbye
the tears I shed would drown

As I laid you back
softly on your sheet,
slowly sitting down
was a mammoth feat

Saying those silent farewells
in the hours that followed,
statue still I was shadow
my insides had been hollowed

As the months have rolled by
I have gone through the motions,
a ghost to life and laughter
I've been devoid of all emotion

This loss was like no other
and this grief has torn a hole,
right through my very centre
I no longer feel I'm whole

I don't know how to go on
without the man that made me,
so, I come and go in the telling
until from this pain, I'm free

I know he'd want me to go on
but how does one feel alive,
can joy fill my veins again
and a lonely heart be revived?

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: Lonely Heart

The poem effectively conveys the theme of loss and grief, with a focus on the emotions experienced by the speaker after the death of a loved one. The structure of the poem, consisting of eight quatrains with an AABB rhyme scheme, provides a consistent rhythm that guides the reader through the narrative.

In terms of imagery, the poem uses metaphors and similes to describe the speaker's emotions. For example, "statue still I was shadow" and "a ghost to life and laughter" both effectively illustrate the speaker's numbness and detachment from the world. Additionally, the line "the tears I shed would drown" provides a powerful image of the overwhelming nature of grief.

However, there are a few areas where the poem could benefit from revision:

1. In the second stanza, the phrase "I know that it's a wonder" seems to be unclear in its meaning. Consider rephrasing or providing more context to clarify the intended message.

2. In the fourth stanza, the line "I didn't know up from down" appears to disrupt the rhythm of the poem. Consider revising the line to maintain the consistent rhythm established in the rest of the poem.

3. The poem could benefit from more varied sentence structures and line lengths to create a more dynamic reading experience. For example, consider breaking up some of the longer lines or combining shorter lines to create a more varied rhythm.

4. In the last stanza, the line "can joy fill my veins again" introduces a new metaphor that could be further developed in the poem. Consider exploring this metaphor in more depth to strengthen the poem's overall message.

Overall, the poem effectively communicates the emotions and experiences of the speaker as they navigate the grieving process. By addressing the suggested revisions, the poem can be further strengthened and refined.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to

very emotional. I don't see anything to fix, other than making it clear that you are speaking of your Dad. Love and higgest bugs, to my Aussie Sis. ~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

This brought a tear to my eye. I dread the day when my dad is no longer with me. Sending big hugs. Thank you for being such a great friend.


This took me back to so many farewells, Seren.
I worked in palliative care for years and it never became easier, watching the grief of others.
I love that line 'a ghost to life and laughter' - it's so strong, that feeling you have expressed.

Seren, I love your words, your poetry.
I agree with Geezer: I wanted to know who this was, who was this poem about - even if that just stands in the title.
Sending you hugs and love and empathy for this deep loss.

Jenifer Jaspa James

I felt a loss when my parents passed, but there wasn't the closeness that is described here. However, I am expecting something similar to this if I survive my Cat. On days where she has not been home when I was, due to a hospitalization or something, there was an emptiness to the house. This poem describes how I expect it to be when she, my other self, is gone.

A great write. You've touched on one of my biggest fears and forced me to look at it. It is what I expect good poetry to do.


I got it right away, with the lines:

I don't know how to go on
without the man that made me,
so, I come and go in the telling
until from this pain, I'm free

the second line says it plainly; who the man was. I hung on your every word and line. you are an amazing poet (and friend) I was very close to my Dad. (my family used it against me, to hurt and control me.) I am so glad that you had the joy of your relationship with your father.

*hugs and love, dear Sis... your Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

congrats on your win! you deserve it!

*love and cookies, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Your poem brings out clearly the tragic loss of a loved one. Emotion is evident in each stanza.
A poem to remember.
Thank you for a sad but lovely poem.

To finish this piece
It was too real
too triggering

You have such a gift


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