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Shrouds of dream

Submitted by Seren on Thu, 2023-06-15 07:41

I hear the whispers
chanting a rhyme,
I see the shadows
morphing in time

I trace the vellum
covering my heart,
I touch the beat
it wrest me apart

I watch the night
the stars start to dance,
coiled starlight rapping
my mind is entranced

Then Nephthys appeared
I was gobsmacked in awe,
she held my arm gently
and ignored all my flaws

On through the mists
I was moving to song,
gyrating and gasping
breath was withdrawn

In through a portal
I glimpse all my kin,
welcoming smiles
absolving all sin

I wake in a daze
for this was just dream,
I lay back in sorrow
my tears a bloodstream

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Thu, 2023-06-15 13:41

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: Shrouds of Dream

The poem effectively employs vivid imagery and a consistent rhyme scheme to create an engaging narrative. The use of mystical elements, such as Nephthys and the portal, adds depth to the poem and creates a sense of wonder. The poem's structure, with four-line stanzas and an ABAB rhyme scheme, provides a strong framework for the narrative to unfold.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Consider refining the poem's rhythm and meter to create a more consistent flow. Some lines have more syllables than others, which can disrupt the reading experience. For example, the line "coiled starlight rapping" could be rephrased to better fit the poem's rhythm.

2. The poem's language can be enhanced by replacing some of the more colloquial expressions, such as "gobsmacked" and "gyrating," with more evocative and fitting terms. This can help maintain the mystical atmosphere and elevate the poem's overall tone.

3. The poem's conclusion could be strengthened by providing a more powerful image or insight. The current ending, with the speaker waking from the dream and experiencing sorrow, is a common trope in dream-based narratives. Exploring a unique or unexpected reaction to the dream could make the poem more memorable and impactful.

Overall, "Shrouds of Dream" effectively combines vivid imagery and a mystical narrative to create an engaging poem. By refining the rhythm, language, and conclusion, the poem can be further elevated and leave a lasting impression on readers.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Seren

Fri, 2023-06-16 10:00

Seren's picture

Seren

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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Lightning Dust

Thu, 2023-06-15 08:57

Lightning Dust's picture

This is hypnotic, there is a rhythm that pulls me in as I read.

I think that end line is a perfect ending.

Brilliant rhyme!

Love L & J

Seren

Fri, 2023-06-16 10:01

Seren's picture

I am really glad you liked this one, I played with it some but I have so many I wrote when I was away I am still completing them to the point I am happy with them, let me know if you want any help with the new poem.

hugs to you both

much love J xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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Geezer

Thu, 2023-06-15 12:23

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a contrast to many of your free verse works, and one of your best rhyme and meter pieces! I find no fault here. I could almost see the dream of those waiting to greet you beyond this side of the veil. If I in fact, knew faces, I would have been standing alongside you! Very well done! Love and higgest bugs, ~ Geez.
.

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Seren

Fri, 2023-06-16 10:04

Seren's picture

You don't know how happy I get when you like something I write. I am so glad you liked it, even though it had a depressing end. All my poetry has a darkness to it at the moment. if Sparrow was here, he would tell me to snap out of it lol

thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment!

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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Lavender

Thu, 2023-06-15 17:40

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Hello, Dear Jayne,
My heart aches with this piece. I was carried along in the journey - hopeful, happy, and almost exhilarated. "...ignored all my flaws." How wonderful that feels! Then the ending caught me, and I felt the overwhelming sorrow and disappointment. Great imagery and so well written, it hurts.
Much love,
Lxxx

Seren

Fri, 2023-06-16 10:08

Seren's picture

Thanks for coming on the journey with me, I start to write these last months and they start off all hopeful and there is a touch of light and then it all comes crashing down on me again, I have always felt things too much and this grief has a hold of me, and just won't let go. I am working my way back to the light again. but that too has been a journey.

Thank you so much for being here and being witness.

I've been too long in the shadows.

love always Jayne xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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