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The weight of love

Submitted by Seren on Tue, 2023-03-07 07:07

I want to once again
feel you touch my skin
fingers arresting my cheek,
shape me into a star
with strands of atoms
interweaving and colliding,
let's silently slip between
the shadows of amber fire
as the Westminster chimes
morph the awe-inspired
into an eternal montage.

I hold you in my mind
with galaxies vined
across vellum skies,
grant me a universe
where I am swept back
rewinding a hand of time

I hold you in my heart
with a sweet glory of grace
I carry you in my smile
it curves the moon tonight
I bare you always and ever
we were ever promised loss
but the ruination of us
is now secondary to fate,
the dusting of our souls
will gather together
in this life and the next

New stars will be born
from fragments of our bones
and the gravity of my love

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2023-03-07 09:02

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the reason that you didn't want to use caressing
is, because it is so common, but I don't think that arresting is the right word either.
The only other word that I can see using, is fondling, unless you want to change the line more.
Arresting is so harsh and seems as though one would be using force against the cheek.

Do you mean [let's]? I don't see the line making sense otherwise.
I [bare] you, like [naked] or [bear] you, as hold you up?
I am bothered by the words [regather] and [together] in so close proximity
their meaning being so much the same. You might want to leave out the word [together].
I love the fantasy-like romance; once again, you have managed to show that love does not always win;
but is a constant we cherish. Well done. ~ Higgest bugs and lotta love, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Seren

Tue, 2023-03-07 09:28

Seren's picture

Arresting can also mean eye catching or striking and I don't mean the hitting kind of striking. Which is why I didn't want to use that word. Arresting in this case is apt for the person it's written about and for. Yes you're spot on about let's I missed that when I posted. Also Bare is meant to be bare as in uncovered which is also a similar meaning of bare.

Love has never won in my case I guess I am shyte at it lol but the love is everlasting. Sometimes the loves of our life aren't the ones we end up with due to circumstances out of our control. Life is a maze of tragedy that most of us get lost in it. With traps and snares tangling us along the way. There are many though that seem to find their way in spite of it. I envy them. Being alone isn't so bad.

I will think on the together and regather.

Thanks for your critique I appreciate it very much

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2023-03-07 09:34

Seren's picture

I totally changed that regather together line. I'm not totally happy with it hmmm I'll rethink it but that will do for the time being.

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2023-03-07 09:42

Seren's picture

For all those interested I've done some research and gather together and regather together is a Phrasal verb.

Phrasal verbs are two or more words that together act as a completely new word, with a meaning separate from the original words.

So I learnt something tonight thanks to Geez's enquiry.

This is the joy of Neopoet. It's a workshop first and foremost.

Cheers Seren/Jayne

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Tue, 2023-03-07 18:26

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Pun intended of course. Last three lines are pretty dynamite and likely true in within a long enough span of time.

Beautiful poetry

Lavender

Tue, 2023-03-07 19:31

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Hello, Jayne,
"...the dusting of our souls
will gather together
in this life and the next..."
Beautiful language leading into those exceptional last lines!
Lxxx

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