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KDT2

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Thu, 2012-09-27 01:34

KDT 2

Goodbye my love
our times have come and gone
we passed through a luxuriant hallway
filled with obstacles and end tables
wall mounted swords on mahogany and velvet
as red as the candles we've burned
as red as the blood from my finger
as you drew it across your lips
The color seemed to suit you

Goodbye my thirst
loosed in a large room
had you named a foe, I would have fought
when you sat to the side to watch
mat-beat and sore
I saw the exit approaching
I tried to hold your hand in that last second

Goodbye my friend
enveloped in grey solitude
I could throw myself away to attempt
one last gasp
one last grasp
one last lapse
your hand open, expensive lotion
an end

My hand covered my heart
what hurts calls out

We did what we did, as we should've.....

as the luminous moon claimed its children.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
It's your cipher.....
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

Seren

Thu, 2012-09-27 09:22

Seren's picture

I felt a blanket of grief lying under these words
well written I cant see anything I would change
I look forward to reading more from you

kind regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

BlueDemon77

Thu, 2012-09-27 18:46

BlueDemon77's picture

Yes, I would definitely say there is more than a touch of sadness there. It's about two people who love each other that just aren't meant to be. I was one of them and the other's initials grace the subject line.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-09-28 07:33

weirdelf's picture
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At first reading I though it was a eulogy of complex feelings. Maybe in a sense it is.

It will stay with me, so it fills the terms or mindful and memorable.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

BlueDemon77

Fri, 2012-09-28 20:03

BlueDemon77's picture

I didn't have a plan when I wrote it, though my emotions certainly informed it. I'm glad you found it effective.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-09-28 09:26

Ian.T's picture
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A poetic display of hidden feelings , fleeting memories of regret and longing, we all seem to be suffering for not doing what we should have done at the time.
I still on this one, think that the actual image of what you lost, would display the memorable better, but that's just me, Yours Ian.T

PS:- I thought that the initials were for, Kiss Don't Tell, still wonder about the 2 though..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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