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Just A Moment

How could I feel emptiness
That life its self was passing by
Where are those feelings
I had promised myself.

This as I found out
Was in my own youth a fact
Then I turned inward
There I dwelt for an age.

Moulding all feelings
Learning from others
Not in love but just so
There in my pure dreams.

A shock of simplicity
Stole that quiet inside
Turmoil in my thoughts
Made drunk my ways.

There was this vision
It would haunt my ways
There in gentleness
You shattered my days.

I quietly hid you
There deep inside
As the world had turned
I could not lie.

You have to remain
As part of my soul
I couldn’t let you go
So what to do now.

Still the mind
On evenings song
A lifetime is not that long
To meet I wonder.

Will you remember
How to show you to me
As I and you use to be
But in spirit to dwell.

We wont talk of God
As these days go
We will do our best
That others don’t know.

Ian T

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
A look inside at things passing by..
Editing stage: 

Comments

How are you doing?

I like your poem, I'm hoping it is
only a write and not based on events
in your life, hard letting go, impossible
at times.

Your poem could benefit from some
punctuation, like the second verse;

This as I found out
Was in my own youth a fact
Then I turned inward
There I dwelt for an age.

This, as I found out
was in my own youth, a fact
then I turned inward,
and there, I dwelt for an age

It's easy for you to read your writing
but if you want to direct the reader
a certain amount of help may be needed.

A little based on feelings of years ago that flutter by my thoughts sometimes when the cloud of loneliness descends..
I am not getting any younger, and all the exercise I use to do sport etc: are starting to take their toll.
It is hard for me sometimes, to equate what I would like, with what I have, and have had, Just need to adjust, lol.
I hope you and your family are well, the young lady I sent the doll to must be a lot older now I hope they are all OK.
I am still active on the net but it has changed during the last few years, Hope my poetry is still OK .

I will see about the punctuation when I have a few moments to spare lol.
Take care, and thanks for your visit,
Yours, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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