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Ode to a coat ( April Contest )

Not just a coat

It hangs there limply in the hall
All dirty with soil, fence paint and more
Should have thrown it away, long time ago
That’s a laugh, It fits me just so.

The weather is usually the same, maybe rain
I need protection from that wet cold again.
My lovely coat now a gardener’s robe.
I should have thrown it away, I've been told.

A new coat, it doesn’t stand a chance
It smells of shops, and factories fancy pants
My old friend hanging there has aromas clear
Of paint and things, it hangs there tainting the air.

I will treasure it always, I wish I didn’t care,
It joins the old shoes, and slippers so fair
I cannot throw them away you see
As they will always be a part of me..

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I bet you have one also lol, Ian
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'm sure few would fail to relate to a valued old garb others would toss. Actually that's pretty much my whole wardrobe. [grins]
But would you agree the piece lacks prosodic values almost entirely? The inter-verse rhymes are not strong and there is little sense of meter or cadence. Still, it works for its intent.

Except for that last line. Outright sentimentality. I'd lose it or use something with perhaps a bit of irony like 'When you throw it out I'll be in it' or something. ok?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Those old clothes have a way of attaching themselves don't they. This brings to mind my old camp hunting overalls. They have more seams from repaired tears than from the factory and the elastic from the straps is sprung. But come the start of each hunting season I take them back out, eye them and decide just another stitch here and there and maybe I'll get one more year out of them. now on to your poem lol. Line 14 , I think weather should be changed to weathers since it sounds like you are referring to changeable weather........stan

Thanks, I have edited the write hope it is better now Thank you for your visit,
Yours as always, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

I do have many items of clothing that are so old and out of style that soon they will be back in style!
many of my everyday pants and shirts have at least one hole sewn up and I wear them with pride too!
It has become very fashionable to wear jeans and shirts that look as though they are very old and worn, but you pay enormous prices for stuff that you can make yourself with years of wear! Funny that!
I agree, that as a poem, it leaves something to be desired, but I liked the story! ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Thank you for your input this was a fast write and no edit but I have spent a moment of two on it. Hope you are all well..
I see Jess is worried about forgetting to kill himself if he gets Alzheimer's, I have had a word with Digit do you think a joint effort with Killer can be arranged as it has been a long time since they had that beach party lol Tke care talk later ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

That's the first time I've had a death threat for a harsh critique.
Steady on, Sparrow, me old mate, do you even disagree with it?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Your critique is as usual spot on so I will hold back on Digit for a while longer lol
I have Edited the poem and hope it brings better comments.
Take care and know we love you always x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

So much better!

And ta for the stay of execution.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

in Puccini's La Boheme in which one of the crew gives his coat up for Mimi, dying of consumption, to try and warm her...he sings this long wail about how meaningful this old coat is, holding the coat... Highly recommend it. Act III

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you for your visit, I will try to listen to the works you have suggested..
I have been asked by the board to ask various Poets to take up a task of sorting out the unpublished section, would it be possible for you to seek our "Original Rhyku" and comment on the writes.
Each poet will be given a task to do so that we can overcome the backlog of poems with no comments.. Thanks for your continued support, Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

This is cool, very relative !
I wouldn't want to be a judge for this contest!
Do you think that lovely and robe is redundant at all? I for one do not believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but rather we all see the characteristics of what makes a thing of beauty (for what that was worth)
It's as much a winner as any other !
Best of luck for you,
Mark

~Mark~

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I saw a fragment of this on a social media site (FB) and it brought me here to read the whole poem :~)

~Mark~

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