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Love Rests

Love Rests

I walk the red earth, tears flow
To me who visits here knows
I stain the soil in velvet tones
Earthen brows my family holds

A mound that masks a beauty
Not your beauty but mine alone
The faces that were love to me
The warm arms that held my soul

Stretched in welcome I draw near
Never seen by mere mortals clear
There in my mind they always live
Therefore for ever they can give

I talk to them as they come to me
Though tears fall at the loss you see
I am so happy with them inside me here
Need I go to see those little humps

To ask of them how life should be
How they are in loves eternity
I know that I can touch them so
As I send out my soul to see

There they are they walk with me
Now why my tears I hear you say
It is tears for all our yesterdays
When they felt so good to me

Safe arms that held this child
Wiped tears when I ran wild
A love from the Angels came
Always there just the same

That there they were in reality
Now only touching my mind
I touch them now deep in me
I will never leave them behind

Love to them all..

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Just one from the records of many that have journeyed on, Yours, Ian T
Editing stage: 

Comments

always hard to let our loved ones go on without us, but if you believe that there is a reason for you to be here, then you will see that your time isn't yet and you must be here until your job is done. You will see them all when the time has come, when you have made them proud because you were strong enough to stay behind and do what is to be done. Take care my friend, ~ Gee.
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Critique or comment today!

I have been told of the other side and how my friends and family are, I never worry about the journey, they have shown me things and places that surpasses what we perceive.
My wife is n international Medium and I have many talks channelled through her, we use to run a school on spiritualism and all the different aspects of these things.. The elders told me one day that I had learned enough from the children I use to talk to, and that it was for me to write about them,.
It is a hard task as I never really know how to put what they want to say, I have 125 Audio Tapes of talking to the children, so I have enough information and stories to keep me going for a while yet..
You take care and know we have a long way to go yet and it is great to walk with you as always, Yours Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

and the idea comes through with emotion and intimacy.

I feel you are rushing the poem which is a like first draft, There are too many forced rhymes all over the place like

I talk to them as they come to me
Though tears fall at the loss you see

or

Stretched in welcome I draw near
Never seen by mere mortals clear

As a big rhymer you know there's always a solution, usually right in front of you, as as you go over the poem line by line, you start to see where the forced ones need t be fixed to help the flow.

The lack of consistency in stanza schemes is too obvious...going aaab, then abab the abbb etc.
A poem like this needs it!

My suggestion for you is the same to me. Live with the poem a little while, see it fresh after a few days. Books have been written on the art of revision, the urgency of revision, and the joy of it. This poem has big potential.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you for your great look and report on this one.
I have a tendency to just write and send as with this one, I write so many and they are mostly rough drafts.
I will have a look at this one again, and take out all forced rhymes, I shall copy and paste to desktop and there I will go through each line and see what I can do..
Many thanks for walking with me my friend and thanks again, Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment
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