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Happy Birthday

The day before
flowed past me surreptitiously
a tree turned brown and fell
while i was left to flounder
through the branches that had grown around me.

The day before
crept away quietly
as I failed to see the silver lining in the dark cloud
I forgot to be grateful

The day before has passed
and today is today
although its not my day
I will say happy birthday today.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
It didn't matter the amount of people who wished me well yesterday, it didn't just feel right because I didn't wish my self happy birthday
Editing stage: 


this over a couple of times before I understood the whole purpose of the poem. I get it!
Now, since you asked for the raw truth, there are some things that you can fix.

1) I try to never use a word like [surreptitiously] twice in the same work, especially in one as short as this. [ Look in the dictionary to see what other word that you might use.]

2) Is the word you were going for in the third line, second stanza; have or as?

3)It should be; flowed [past] me, not passed me.

I think I would say; stumbled instead of floundered; as most people think of floundered as having to do with water or something that flows around you.

I really do like the poem, I just think that it could be a bit better if you address these things.
BTW, I don't often wish myself Happy Birthday until it is past. I try to pretend that it's not my BD because I usually have bad luck on my birthday. LOL ~ Geezer.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

Thanks for being honest...I really appreciate it...I have put some changes to it

author comment

that I can always be helpful. I like what you did with the suggestions that I made. Nice work!
Have you thought about joining the contest of the month? I'm about to write something for it myself.
It's good experience and it will get you read, for sure. Good luck! ~ Geezer.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

you have a very good heart I can tell
a unique aura with played out words
the content is moving with nothing to interfere
you embraced hope with your words
everyone should read this piece

Mario Vitale

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