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To the Girl who Fought For me
To the girl who fought for me,
and followed me,
and pursued me.
To you, and you alone.
To the girl who fought for me,
to the only one,
the one and only.
To you.
There was a time
I was married to many things,
and there was a time,
when I was let go of.
But there you were,
you and your feather touch,
the quiet victor.
I know
your eyes and your nose and the beating sounds of your heart.
And I know
that you know mine.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Esker
Fri, 2016-08-05 14:50
the light of the dark
feather touch..
Nice touch!
been around for awhile
I knew these kinds of
girls...soft..gentle
romantics
and then
the hellions
with a heart
fearless lionesses
hungry as mares
for the rush of life
collisions that left
me spinning
I laugh thinking
about it....
but wonder
wow...
risk takers
or thoughtful
ponderers
wall flowers
I was all at the
dances
bars...
all these years later
I remember them
all...well some of
them...
have too be honest
always like a good
poem to the ode of Love
and its notion
cant say I have much
luck with it
this subject
but I like it put it
that way!!!
thank U
Race_9togo
Mon, 2016-08-08 22:47
Hello Connect
Very nice.
Don't like this line:
"your eyes and your nose and the beating sounds of your heart."
It lacks emotion, brevity, and feeling. I felt that I went from romance, gratitude and love...to a doctor's office, and a clinical examination.
maybe something like this:
"your eyes, your mouth and the beating of your heart."
or
"your gaze, your taste and the rhythm of your heart"?
Apart from this, very good, cadence, imagery, emotions, all there. Love poetry is hard to write without being syrupy and clichéd.
This avoids that.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo