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Fallen Prey

mother scrubbed minds
gleaming halos of godshine
seen by no one
but fellow travelers
on the path of sheepy knee walk
grinning at the alter of a butcher,
giving thanks
for their divine lobotomies

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I was reading right along until "sheepy knee walk" ...Now I can figure out a sheepy walk but sheepy KNEE walk? lol. I guess I'll kneed to come back and figure that out. But the reast was good reading (at least to me).........stan

Yes, I too think that line is a little confusing. I wrote this piece almost ad lib, so there is a mix-mash of metaphors and symbolisim and mutant grammar...from my very loose knit mind. Poetry is still hard for me to do off the cuff,
but is fun and highly gratifying when it actually works from top to bottom. (rarely, if ever, accomplished)

thanks for your thoughts,

Al

author comment

Sheepy knee walk doesn't bother me, it is a metaphor for those even lower than sheep in their mindless indoctrination.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

thanks Jess

I'm on a rampage of sorts...a lifelong atheist, finally out of the closet (so to speak)....an uncaged pup, wildly enjoying newfound freedom, barking and howling at the zookeepers and pissing on their shoes

I'll eventually settle down, and take a nap

Al

author comment

if the gods can't take it they will strike you down or they don't exist.

Consider all the prayers for the Oklahoma cyclone victims. More happened. Either prayer doesn't work or they are worshipping the wrong god.

A member flounced into chat one day demanding we pray for the victims of the disaster in Haiti. I replied, if you believe in an interventionist god pray for him to stop sending disasters, otherwise shut up and send money.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I'm not as disciplined as you might think, just lucky sometimes when writing. but thanks for noticing the qualities you mentioned. Not all my pieces turn out so concise, or stylized....c'est la vie

thank you for your thoughts

Al

author comment

A grand piece of writing there, sheep sometimes go down on their knees to forage, as with goats they can crop grass etc right down.
On the hills where I come from there are ribs around the hills where the sheep have fed for hundreds of years. Take care, Yours ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I too have seen images of goats and sheep on their knees ( only in movies or pictures though )
Their intention for doing so makes sense.

thanks

Al

author comment
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