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Everything's So Temporary
Everything's so temporary
and dull.
It must have been a drag on poor Solomon.
The old wise king
got a bad rap
at my old church.
Must've been his choice in women.
And this is the part
in most of my poetry
where things delve in to the depressing,
but I think I'll wait
a stanza or two.
Vanity! Vanity!
What other things can I cry
to cover up what I'm feeling?
Maybe I can do this long enough
until you think I'm edgy.
More than likely though,
I'll slink back
and mourn for a bit,
sometimes hard,
I'll sometimes cry,
and over - reflect.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
chevyvent
Fri, 2018-07-06 12:48
really good writing you can see yourself in this poem very deep
really good writing you can see yourself in this poem very deep. The message is oh so very clear. From the start I was amazed by your honesty. Brilliant light in each pen stroke. Wouldn't change a thing very good poem from the heart.
Mario Vitale
IRiz
Mon, 2018-07-09 08:58
Bad rap is it unfair
Bad rap is it unfair treatment?
The title is in your style, but not helping to stop by at least while I was streaming through the main feed.
The theme is interesting and relatable.
Spleen and how you are not there yet, since there is nothing after the promised two stanzas later.
I think that you could develop more the beginning of the poem and describe what do you relate to in king Solomon. His choices? Is it the similarity between the king and your protagonist?
IRiz