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Detritus

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Tue, 2012-10-23 08:46

Detritus by RW

rippled feather bracelet
around a skeletal wrist
a hope missed
the gist
pissed

details going under
resound for another fist
a cultist
the list
missed

fighting five-front wartime
concerned for lecherous twist
to the midst
resist
blissed

calling father god-thing
reserved in entitled tryst
but never kissed
royal cyst
grist

never ending notice
to this claxon please persist
do not enlist
say what you
mean

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is my statement for/against form poetry.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Mon, 2012-10-29 00:15

judyanne's picture
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i quite like this ron - it reads powerfully with all the 'ist' endings

i just feel it is a little overdone

i'd suggest you try it using only one of the last three verses of each stanza - see how you think it reads then?

i really like the visuals with your great word choice and usage
especially with
'rippled feather bracelet
around a skeletal wrist'

definitely not a bucket of dung :)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-10-29 04:15

BlueDemon77's picture

Thanks for the kind words Judy. I agree it is overdone. I'm proud that I was able to duplicate "missed" only, and I'm glad that I was seeking, and as far as I know, succeeded in doing a form I'd never seen before. My problems with this form is it reaches guttural very quickly and stays there. I believe meaning is the a priori consideration with poetry but I also believe the music with which the truth is presented is very important also. I didn't succeed in that realm in this experiment, which disappoints me greatly. I appreciate your advice. In any event, the blockage and/or negative perception veil has been lifted and with POWER, I at last have written a recent poem that I am proud of.

Geez I can be such a girl'sblouse!

: ) love ya

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

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