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Cenancestor

The protoplanetary disc
would make a man.
Organics there assumed a risk
and life began.
In alkali of nascent rain
new RNA had much to gain
and much to lose with lofty plan
to make a man.

The chemoautotrophic bisque
unhurried span
abundant seas now teeming brisk
with microbe clan.
And bathed in this interior~
The Universal Ancestor
shaped carbon as an artisan
to make a man.

Bisque; a rich soup (French)
As for the rest of it~ Google!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I think this is the weirdest poem I've written. All of it is real. Other than the abuse of "bacterium", there are no made up words or concepts here. The Universal Ancestor is the oldest living creature directly related to mankind. There were many forms of life in the beginning that did not lead to us. Some are long gone, others (like archaeabacteria) still thrive.
Editing stage: 

Comments

but it is missing a verse in the second stanza :)
and line 4 is too long
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I ALWAYS do a second to last proof with a printed version and skipped it this time cause the damn poem was hard! I don't mean the form, but rather getting all of the scientific terms entered in. I ran from this like a poetic plague. The pissy part was that I had bemoaned not having enough verses to get everything I wanted (I have lots more I could add).
I will return later and repair, then ask for your thoughts again. The last proof I usually do is memorization and I threw that out also. I know better than to skip my tried and true steps. Thanks for jumping on me. I don't want to give this to an unsuspecting reader, call it an octogram and unwittingly mislead them (or worse... be caught in the flaw).

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

interesting poem. I like that here, there are facts that are presented in a very new way. I also see the missing verse that Judy does. I won't even tell you why the title drew my attention, suffice to say that it did. The language was well done in the proto-pot and followed a logical conclusion to the end. ~ Gee

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"Cenancestor" is the hot shot, scientific way to say "The Last Universal Ancestor".

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

But it knows it...it's like a practice piece of elocution to read out....but what did you want to say about the making of man? huh?...it's emotionless and technical and clever.

'Betty' aka Ellie

It of course was an experiment in form and an idea I would not use again. To draw the emotion from this I would need much more room. By the way, I've edited and fixed the problems in the form, though it is still too "quickie" for me to draw anything from it.... I'm just not that good.
I will take clever and run with it. Caco is emotional.
One of the comments I made to Judy was that "I have lots more" and I do. There is a massive amount of just plain stuff to the subject that "emotion" could be achieved if given space (if I were given space) to draw out the inherent drama of the whole thing, but I can't do it in fifteen lines. And I haven't the energy to go further with something like this.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

You are that good. Bloody jealous.

Ells

I enjoyed, its cleverness, it is entertaining, a nice playing with scientific ideas/words. It's as betty says intellectual rather than emotional but that's its genre, and your style. Nothing wrong with that.
ross

That's a nice way of saying it isn't very moving, but you're right... it wasn't intended as such.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

Well does this mean we is all Brothers in the Evolutionary way of things.
Creeping out of the slime of ages to eventually walk upright and kick crap out of the world we live in lol.
Enjoyed the write, hope some God fearing person doesn't come in and say someone made the soup,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Two stanzas?? Really? I'm in awe.

Had to smile at you leaving the definition for bisque. THAT'S the only word I did NOT have to look up! Well, almost.

Wesley, dear man. You still got it. Someday I hope to understand it. Just stopped by and had to say hello.

Sue xoxoxo

Hi Wesley,

Any criticisms I had were thoroughly addressed above. Much was made of the "intellectual detachment" evident in the piece. I think it is the proper approach. What I admire the most is that so much information is imparted without taking on a didactic tone. Also, though said information is imparted, it doesn't come off as exposition. Your avoidance of these pitfalls is impressive and shows the level of skill with which you write.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I have been wrestling with a science geared friend of mine lately over his stance on an argument.
He claims that science as an industry and a system of education is doing fine and that it does not lack imagination. This he says is due to it's significant accomplishments. Such as printing cells with a 3-D printer and landing on Mars.
I claim that science could use a whole lot more imagination when it comes to expressing it's vast yet infintile wisdom to a mystical, superstitious, and albeit an ignorant population of humans. Humans that fear text books and analog learning. Science should ALWAYS be entertaining and clever because you will attract unique imaginations to science and a greater variety of minds will be working on our major issues and mysteries. Be rock stars and poets at the same time that you do pure research.

You have made it abundantly clear here with your rightfully praised poem that it is possible to use science to express. Despite others claims as to the lack of feeling in this piece...the emotions I am left with are an illusory nostalgic awe, and more impressively a rare glimmer of hope that someone with a mind like yours is actively recreating academia for a brighter tomorrow.

Keep it up.

_Danny

Words are a science in their own right, someone must have developed the scratchings of the past. Just as we seek to conquer mars etc, could we achieve this without writing down new thoughts in a way thats gets us to a conclusion. And any word can be immotive depending on how it's read. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

The day that science is used for the benefit of all humons, instead of for the purpose of enhancing the greed of a few, that will be the day that man Grows up.
We can send a man to Mars if we want to and they have already walked on the Moon, but that little child that Dickens wrote of in Xmas Carol still scrabbles among the rubbish tips of Africa and sleeps in the streets here in this rich country.
What the hell have we done to improve the world, I hear those Jack boots walking over children in Korea , but if you listen carefully you can hear the children in USA , UK and many other rich countries cry because they are hungry.
Tomorrow I shall push my yacht out onto the blue waters of the world and burn the bloody thing LOL, yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Not That hard to bring some humanity to this poem.Just change "a" to "this" in last line.................stan

Thanks to all. I actually enjoyed this poem because of its quirky nature, but it was hard to write. Not because I was trying to stuff as many "big" words into as I could, but because there was SO much information available to use and I had a very limited poetic form.
Danny, your opinion was incredibly complimentary and I thank you. I tend to think there is a great deal of imagination in the scientific community. Granted, many folks become scientists (particularly in the medical field) because it can be truly lucrative, but imagination... that explorer mentality that causes us to desire all knowledge... is alive and well because there is so much to know. I sometimes get a kick out of the highly educated individuals asked to "narrate" small sections of the science documentaries I love. Large numbers of them look like the scientist you describe. Jazz artists, poets... essentially hippies are speaking to me from their outrageous hairstyles, pierced ears (and more), odd ball clothing styles and eclectic language use.
Yep, I think there is a lot of imagination in that world.

That is a really sharp idea Stan, but I don't know that I want the poem to be all that personal. I'll have to think on this. Your change idea is provocative.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
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