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To be missed

In the end it’s all about women.
When men create it’s not to emulate the womb,
it's to impress women.
Yes, about getting in her pants
but more about getting close

There must be loss and grief in the parting,
because when men are all gone,
women will remain.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Don't hold back on this one. I'm still not clear at all my vision transcribed. I'd like to hear your interpretations
Editing stage: 

Comments

First thing is the title; one of my pet peeves is the use of
a line from the poem itself, an amateur easy way out, the
title should add depth, meaning and isn't an easy task but
so many take the easier way. Not something I've always
practiced and definitely not something I've accomplished
very many times, but there is something called effort.

I think what you are attempting here isn't clear, women are
definitely the stronger sex, every man (unless he's gay, and
even they want that love from their mothers, sisters and friends)
wants love, needs love from a woman. It almost always starts
at the parting of the pants, but what we really want is to be loved,
accepted, understood and treated well, while having great sex !!!
Women hold the power, no denying it !

The ending, while leaving one to ponder, would be the end
of mankind, but perhaps a very plausible end.

Richard

The ambiguity is acceptable to me. I was kind of pondering the differences in the genders and the common misunderstandings and this sort of came out on the back of a piece of paper fully formed.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

Just a thought on L1S2 - would employing "her" or "Her" strengthen the line over its present "their" which is rather vague specially in so short a poem?

In L3S2 "in the parting" felt a bit open. I don't really know how to "remedy" that, if it is the case. Maybe using "in their parting" or even "her parting" if that would steer the reader-hearer to a response to the last two lines.

Finally, the last two lines being a "BUT" could be a couplet, standing as their own stanza and unique thought to cap the whole poem.

Nothing hard and fast, just initial observations.... I am sure however you go with your editing, it would be toward tightening and making a compact but powerful punch, arriving at the terminus of the journey began in the first line.

Hope that adds to your editing process, rather than detracting from it.
Cheers!

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

ta mate

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment

I agree with Richard re the title…
and I am having a little difficulty getting into your thoughts

why will women outlast men?

do you really mean ‘emulate’?
1. to try to equal or excel; imitate with effort to equal or surpass: to emulate one's father as a concert violinist.
2. to rival with some degree of success

‘It’s all about getting in their pants,
But more, getting close
There must be loss and grief in the parting,’
- for me there is a logic leap here – there seems to be something missing before the third line

the poem sort of brings to my mind a passage from one of the gnostic gospels – someone asked jesus how long souls would have to keep coming to this reality, and his answer was something like ‘for as long as women keep wanting to have babies’….

one suggestion presentation-wise – check the punctuation

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

as a metaphor for creation of babies.

I added a line break that might make it clearer. The ending is inevitable except when couples die simultaneously, and men I think do have an innate understanding that one for every few hundred women would be sufficient for procreation, so most of us are redundant. Even without men I bet female scientists could come up with a viable method for parthenogenesis.Hence a desire for grief, which adds a sense of meaning to loss, when things end. We want to be missed.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

author comment
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