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Au dessus

Au dessus

the grains scratch the incorrect way
the capillaries burst and now it gives sway
blood congealed with thick human pain
a skyline filled with red and black rain

a Marianas trench of wounds
an Everest of angry swoons
a little sign of darkness falls
to torch the writing on the walls

we force it onto each other's soul
the final purity's burning coal

goes

out

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
existential angst
Editing stage: 

Comments

Yes I meant it to me "above" or "beyond" pain.

The "it" that gives sway is the blood of the suffering.

The writing on the wall bothers me a bit but It here is intended to mean the establishment of a re-occurrence.

Thanks, I felt the ending had something rare. I wrote this last night in an improv. I welcome any further questions.

Thanks Beau!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

though talking about pains would be anything but enjoyable. I can relate and emotionally touched by each and every word.
Some punctuation is needed I thought. I feel like I'm repeating myself today but I think Wesley's right when he calls for puncuation and "a more typologica errorl-free writing" if I may give it a name.
Thanks for shaing.

One more thing, I always wonder why do people choose French titles for English poems. It feels itchy for me :) Maybe because my french is poor? :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I can understand the instinct to use German. I find it architectural for lack of a better word. For me the sound of German is distracting and not congruent with my style. The basic sound of language that most appeals to me, strangely enough, is a Brazilian regional dialect of Portuguese.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I will agree there are times I have shared very substandard, unchecked poetry and this may be one of those times. I honestly like some things about this poem but it is riddled with cliches and go to phrases in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I agree that a disciplined use of craft is a good instinct for me, especially now.

Regarding the use of French for the title: I wish there were some grand reason for it. It just felt right. Although my French is terrible, my wife is fluent. I have to put it to her influence on me.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I like the poem very much and agree that the ending had something rare however I recorded it several times and couldn't find a way to make that ending work aloud. Strange.

Just a thought, perhaps it would add if you used the full French in the title
Au-dessus de la douleur
I don't know if that is correct French, I used Google translate.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s019C6LInwFV

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I thought you did well with it. I'm currently smoking (e-cigs) and drinking scotch to get my voice right for my own reading of this. Thanks for the critiques and comments.

Ron

Here's my version:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1KJAz69qEZr

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Good revisions too.
Love this piece.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I will not become a 'lover', my writing happens whether it is shown or not. I do very much appreciate your statements.

Ron
BD77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

for me the greatest poets/artists are dark and edgy without losing a certain playfulness and joie de vie.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I just think that Plath poem has perfect vision and execution.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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