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andante lullaby

as long as it's andante lullaby
take any words and turn them into song
and even if you sing 'don't close your eyes'
for sure he'll be asleep before too long

it matters not the least bit what you say
as long as it's andante lullaby
and sung with gentle voice and tender sway
it's guaranteed to quieten his cry

and, too, when he defies and won't comply
determined he's not tired nor set for bed
as long as it's andante lullaby
to dreamland's magic maze, he'll soon be led

andante pianissimo the tune
he'll, with a smile and with a sleepy sigh
submit, no matter what the words you croon
as long as it's andante lullaby
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
a quatern
Editing stage: 

Comments

I believe that most people can be sung to sleep, just wonder who you are singing to??? There is a song by ABBA called "Andante Andante" it is not one of their best known songs but it really gives another meaning to Andante..
Good theme and makes a change, Yours Ian.T
PS:- Is this from a lovely memory ??

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

andante andante by abba - one of my favourite songs...

and i always say, even if you tell a baby that you'll belt his backside with a tram ticket until his nose bleeds, he will still goo and ga at you if you say it andante with a smile on your face... and if you sing it in gentle lullaby, no matter what your words, he'll sleep with no worries of you murdering him lol

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

and really great on many levels especially the theme and the rhythm and rhyme scheme. What remains?

I really love it .
A good example to be set for the workshop purpose .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

This is a lovely write! With it I can see and hear a loving parent crooning their wee babe off to slumber! Loved these lines:

and, too, when he defies and won't comply
determined he's not tired nor set for bed
as long as it's andante lullaby
to dreamland's magic maze, he'll soon be led

always, Cat

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rhank you very much for the kind comments
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

it's guaranteed to quieten the cry
when I said this S out aloud this line and particularly 'the cry' didn't flow, i think its because lulaby has 3 syllabuls and 'the cry' 2, also the double l's of lullaby clashes with the guttural of 'the'

and, too, when he defies and won't comply 'and, too, when' are fillers, they work to keep the rhythm going but don't actually add anything to the meaning of the poem, a visual adverb snuck in there would be better.

Apart from thisI I liked the melody and intimate feel of this, 'andante lullaby' as title and refrain set up the tone and it flowed beautifully
all the best
ross

thanks so much for the read and the thoughts on this - appreciated

an -dan -te lull - a -by
to qui -e -ten the cry
 - is how why i think this rhyme is ok,
but maybe 'his cry' would work better than 'the cry' if you feel it is gutteral? - i myself don't hear it

but i see your point re 'fillers' - i'll have another look there

again thanks so much for your time
love judy xxx

 

just relooked at the third stanza 'and too' i will leave, as i do think it's part of the poem, as the stanza adds a point

i have changed 'the' to 'his'
thanks again ross

xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

There is a special skill in using the descending line and you've done it beautifully here.

The scansion is fine. I did trip a bit on first reading, but on examination it is all correct, just I would tend to stress or unstress differently in some places conversationally.

On the whole I think it would be improved with a bit of humour, like including some version of " even if you tell a baby that you'll belt his backside with a tram ticket until his nose bleeds".

cheers,
Jess
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lol jess – I’m so much tougher on myself than you are on me !

as long | as it's | an - dant | e lull | a - by
 and ev | en if | you sing |'don't close | your eyes'
 for sure | he'll be | a sleep | before | too long
he'll, with | a smile | and with | a sleep | y sigh

lol - i'm waiting for wes to visit and spit the dummy after the way i tore into his meter :)

and double lol, one of my errors is the descending verse

thanks for the kind words though

I'll belt your backside with a tram ticket 'til your nose bleeds' was my grandmother's favourite saying - do you know where it came from? - it sounds to me like ginger megs ?? it's a great  idea to work on - i'll come back eventually to work on a better meter, i'll keep it in mind then ... 

and I think the descending line is as important to the quatern as the rhyming couplet is to the sonnet, it needs to be carefully picked - i'm very glad you think i had an effective one

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

so have no fears.
I only have one line I didn't like (meter wise) and heard none of the problems Ross did.

"determined he's not tired nor set for bed"
This line does not work. It requires I speak the word "tired" as a very strict single syllable which, though possible, is not comfortable. Thus I found myself hurrying the later syllables to make it work.

On an odd side note I have this- "Andante" is commonly misrepresented in ordinary dictionaries as being slow. Strictly and musically speaking it means a "walking" pace. This of course would depend on how fast one walks, but since the Classical Period (@1750-1820) it has meant a "brisk walk". Hence, Mozart's Sonata in A tends to crank. Not the pace I would choose for a lullaby, but a cool little poem nonetheless.
wesley

W. H. Snow

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for the comments
i find no difficulty pronouncing 'tired' as one syllable - but you made me go to the dictionary (lol) and i see it is two...
so i will think about a change there

yes - it is interesting how different generations put different interpretations on words - especially those pertaining to directions... as you said to me earlier - we don't really know how the great musicians of old really wanted their pieces played - similar really to interpretaions of poetry

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

you've been making me think a lot about metre, can see how the technical rules give a basis to how things should be read, to me 'quieten' is always 2 syllabuls, but then I read it as 3 syllabuls and of couse the line worked. I also noticed that I kept saying andante as adante, maybe in honour of Dante, which is a nice thought.
hope all's well
ross

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