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Omran

Submitted by judyanne on Sat, 2016-08-20 04:08

In cosy Western Camelot
(on humankind , another blot)
seems Aylan's been remembered, not.
The world forgot. The world forgot.

So now we have another sign.
Another icon for our time.
He's only five, concealed in grime.
He could be mine. He could be mine.

I watch him slowly wipe his brow
then stare, confused it seems, as how
his hands are dirty, bloodied now.
My head I bow. My head I bow.

Do diplomats sit on the fence,
or is their power mere pretence
while children bear the consequence?
Too great expense. Too great expense.
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-08-18/children-continue-to-pay-price-of-syria-conflict/7761322
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

jane210660

Sat, 2016-08-20 06:00

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I can't critique this - I am holding my head in my hands and weeping at the horror in this world.
Strangely, I have just this very second left facebook, where I posted this poor child's picture and asked why and where does it all end.
Your poem sums it up perfectly. Jxx

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judyanne

Sat, 2016-08-20 09:29

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I've been very short of muse assistance lately.... I haven't even been interested in reading and critiquing, which is not like me.....
but the moment I saw this incident I picked up my pen and there was the write....
and now my interest in critiquing also seems to have been revived ...
Goes to show what a spurt of passion will do.....

Thanks for the read and comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

lovedly

Mon, 2016-08-22 15:31

lovedly's picture

just remember me
a waffler that
I oftener be... I oftener be

This last fashion now
I learn from thee... I learn from thee
when to repeat!
juss teach me juss teach me....

also tell me
when will I all,
overshadow
ere I from neo
go

or
all my forgotten
life
live under
an umbrella
I don't or never did
own
twill also
anytime
away will be
blown
you must have known!

judyanne

Thu, 2016-08-25 20:24

judyanne's picture
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But it doesn't really say much about what you thought of the poem does it?
just mostly me me me ... :)
I love you but
Stop the me me me
start giving proper crits as Jess asks
we know you're more than capable
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

lovedly

Fri, 2016-09-02 18:05

lovedly's picture

eats me
well what can i say
apart from repeating it

Sad you did not see
I was now only following thee
your new style of poetry

Vivovon

Sat, 2016-08-20 10:20

Admirable thoughts on the on-going crisis born of the Middle-East wars.
In the complex human psyche, the politics, religion, culture, race, power, money and etc and etc brew evil thoughts and hate. The result is just what we see. What not we see are worse than what we see. Humanity is just a dream. We may as well remember Phan Thị Kim Phúc.

xxxxx

judyanne

Sat, 2016-08-20 10:35

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Hadn't thought of that picture.... some people believe it had a lot to do with the end of the Vietnam war....
I think, with the human concentration span as it is, it would take an horrically horrific photo or clip for it not to get lost in the collective short-term memory of today .... we seem to have become hardened since the '70's

Thanks for the visit and very pertinent comments
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

judyanne

Sun, 2016-08-21 04:10

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For the read and great comment - (nice write, I especially like the ending)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

raj

Sun, 2016-08-21 14:38

You have expressed your sentiments as well as indignation very vividly in this poem which apparently conforms to some poetry form where the rhyme sequence needs to be a,a,a,a, in a quadrant where the fourth verse in each quadrant has two repetitions ...

much love and hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

judyanne

Mon, 2016-08-22 07:05

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Thank you for the read and comments...

If you are interested, this format is called a monotetra...

Love judy
xxx.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

raj

Mon, 2016-08-22 14:17

Will certainly love to know more of this "Monotetra" form which appears to be not as tough as Sonnet...something I could give a try...

Much Love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

judyanne

Wed, 2016-08-24 03:11

judyanne's picture
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Look it up on the internet
.....as many quatrains as you wish
iambic tetrameter
monorhyming stanzas
In the last verse of each stanza the first two feet are repeated....

I look forward to your write
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

raj

Wed, 2016-08-24 14:09

:( ooops those iambic feet follow me here too eh!...anyways I will give them a fright..lol...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Vivovon

Mon, 2016-08-22 14:22

Judy

Thank you for mentioning the format. I did some online search for it. I gain some valuable new knowledge.

xxxxx

judyanne

Wed, 2016-08-24 03:07

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Glad to be of some use :)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Vivovon

Mon, 2016-08-22 14:25

Repetition. Deleted.

xxxxx

Vivovon

Mon, 2016-08-22 14:25

Repetition. Deleted.

xxxxx

Race_9togo

Tue, 2016-08-23 17:31

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Personally, I found myself comparing Omran with Alan Khurdi, the Syrian Kurdish kid drowned off the coast of Turkey.
And I found myself saying "At least Alan isn't suffering anymore."
I think my soul's been jaded, by too much stupidity, violence, and horror.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

judyanne

Wed, 2016-08-24 03:06

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Yes - Alan Khurdi .... I mention him in the first stanza.... but used the original spelling of his name, unaware that it had been corrected.... I'll leave that spelling, as I have a write about him too and spelt his name with a 'y' there...

Was it corrected? Or was it 'westernised' for some reason - perhaps to make him even more close to us?

As for jaded.... I think the whole world is that....
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Race_9togo

Wed, 2016-08-24 15:35

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by the Turks, to reflect the child's ethnicity.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

DiPrima

Wed, 2016-08-24 17:03

DiPrima's picture

The content touches, moves and shames all at once. How you managed to keep this tone and narrative going with end rhymes on each line that seem effortless is masterful, indeed. Enjoyed it very much.
Cheers ...
Mike

judyanne

Thu, 2016-08-25 20:20

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Thank you so much for the very supportive comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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