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Flowerbed [A Pillownote]
a night pretty enchanting
all fragrant and enticing
inhaling an exotic aroma
in every breath of you
each gentle touch on tips
like caress of flutter bees
made every bud bloom
releasing your perfume
a brush on velvety petals
roused soft inviting whispers
with a gush of sweet nectar
moistening your tulips
as I gently slid out of the rug
you pulled me back with a tug
to wrap me in a warm hug
quickening our heartbeats
the flowers you brought to bed
fill our room with an essence
of a brand so rare and true
which smells just of you
this note I now leave by your pillow
while you sprawl in a lavender nylo
to let you know what you must know
"may your fragrance never fade"
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Shadowdancer3349
Sun, 2018-09-16 09:07
Raj
you were doing fine until the last line
I know you can come up with a stronger end
raj
Sun, 2018-09-16 14:02
Thanks SD
for taking time to read this one and share your thoughts....I will definitely take a re look at the last line and work on it to make it better...hope you would return later and share your thought about the tweaked up version...
PS: Just now I've changed the last line entirely
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Shadowdancer3349
Sun, 2018-09-16 15:41
last lie
nice ending
raj
Sun, 2018-09-16 16:12
I guess you meant line and
I guess you meant line and not lie :)...good to know that it now reads well...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Shadowdancer3349
Sun, 2018-09-16 21:07
Raj
My apologies yes I did mean line
raj
Mon, 2018-09-17 05:03
No need to apologize SD..
No need to apologize SD...Such errors happen inadvertently with most...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Sparrow
Sun, 2018-09-16 19:23
raj
A lovely longing to be within the fragrance of the flowers and I loved it, this is one I had published many years ago, somewhen in the 80's :-
Still Flowers
At the grasses edge one day I lay
The flowers leaned and seemed to say
With our fragrance and beauty we are one
With your thoughts of purity, which as the sun,
Can melt a thousand droplets of water
Into a diamond haze of a summers dawn
Be at peace with us as it can only be,
A moment that could be lost in eternity
I remember in awe that moment held
In my very soul for there it will always be
Hidden for the haste of eternity
A moment to still those who have had bad days,
Bringing back those wonderful ways
My presence in the form of a child
Who was gifted with the love of flowers.
Take care young man and know we walk the same pathways, Yours as always Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
raj
Mon, 2018-09-17 05:01
Hi Ian
This is delicate..has poise and beauty...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Sparrow
Mon, 2018-09-17 18:21
raj
Thank you, it was written a long time ago but I thought it might enhance your write a little,
Take care young one, Yours Ian ..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Rula
Tue, 2018-09-18 16:06
Interesting and awesome
use of metaphor raj. I see you've modified the title though the first would have made a good complement of your pillow notes series, but of course the call is yours.
Thank you for sharing.
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raj
Wed, 2018-09-19 04:42
Hello Rula
thanks for reading....good to know you liked use of the metaphor...i have restored in the title [A Pillownote]
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raj (sublime_ocean)