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Street Lamp Lean
neon,
splashing rainbows over
the slow motion silence of a veiling fog
the muffled thump of a car door
footsteps,
a woman, fading away
a distant dog howls
the infernal damp,
creeping lowdown and mean,
lapping mist from oil slicked puddles
a harbor horn bellowing in fear,
buoys clang,
blinded hope, sinking
seabirds scatter
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
read top to bottom, then bottom to top. The logic is not affected... because there is none....I do like some of the images though!
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Fri, 2016-05-20 08:14
love the imagery Al
Do you need the last line?
(Just me *big smile*)
I like it better without.... the beginning word implies the city, and the repeating of the concept seems too obvious.... I'm not explaining myself very clearly I know....
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
brittle light
Fri, 2016-05-20 11:54
I understand very well...
I understand very well...
the art of poetry is, in the end, what is left out!
which words left to be, or not to be; that is the question
in this case, I concur.
the word 'city' in itself does not elicit the the feeling of exasperation,befuddlement, resignation, and the shaking of the narrator's head as he utters it; which is how I heard it in my head....so It goes
I appreciate your ears, and eyes...all your senses on these matters.
sincerly,
Al
scribbler
Fri, 2016-05-20 16:43
hi Alid
Shutter snapped images which allow readers to fill in the blanks is not always a bad thing lol.......stan
brittle light
Fri, 2016-05-20 19:07
Hi stan
I typically like poems that do the snapped image thing...I tend to think mine feel like just fragments, an unfinished poem, when done.
it's hard to be 'Objective' (if that's even possible) concerning one's own work.
but if I like the imagery enough I post them anyway.
thanks for coming by and reassuring me!
p.s.
your Auto-fill jumped the gun again
Al
Esker
Fri, 2016-05-20 22:38
Love the title..
and the imagery very much!
thank U!
brittle light
Sat, 2016-05-21 19:43
thanks....
thanks....
your opinion is valued
Al