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Wonda and Wobert (chapter 2 of A Barrow-load of Untold Stories)

The Family Sylvilagus Transitionalis
live by the creek before The Scary-Wilderness.
All living on Tyler-Tickletoes Tillings
call them the Sylvi-Rabbits, to help shorten things.

They live in a green house, right by the creek bank -
a mansion really by rabbit-hole rank -
with five bedrooms, three family rooms, two baths
and a neat back garden with four footpaths.

It’s found not too far past the new chicken coop,
the root of an old white gum as its roof.
Hoo-Ha Kookaburra lives in the tree.
(Another day I’ll tell you a story

how Kathy Koala, who can be very grumpy,
always complaining the leaves are too lumpy
and, of eucalyptus, she's really not fond,
had a big fight with Hoo-Ha, in Fat Freddy’s pond).

The Sylvi-Rabbits have two little kits
named Rhonda and Robert Silvi-Rabbits.
Cute and fluffy, each a white cotton-tail
and, dragging on the ground, leaving a trail,

the lengthiest ears I ever have seen.
Mrs Sylvi-Rabbits lives in a dream -
‘They’ll grow into them,’ she was heard to say
just last Tuesday, on their six-month birthday.

‘At least if they wander too far away
I can follow the trail they leave when they play.’
But, to protect them from grazes and woes,
she ties them on top of their heads in bows.

They both are still young and can’t say their ‘r’s,
so Wonda and Wobert Sylvi-Wabbits they are,
which incites Old-Jeeves to high, joyful leaps
and Fat-Freddy to puff up his throat heaps.

If you want to visit, I know you’ll be welcome
right there in the Sylvi-Rabbits' nice home.
Mrs Sylvi-Rabbits is a gracious host,
it’s meeting new persons she likes the most.

But please don’t tell Tony-Joe or Joe-Bert.
Farmers think rabbits the pests of the earth.
I’ll tell you a story about that sometime,
but I warn you, it’s scary and doesn’t much rhyme.

If you don't want your hike interrupted by sheep
with silly questions at you - 'bleat, bleat, bleat,'
then, to get to the home of the Sylvi-Rabbits,
for goodness sake, do avoid the top paddocks.

From pond, through the wild oats past the fig tree,
follow the house back-yard fence 'til you see
a path to the left, when the wood-heap's in sight
the new chicken coop will be there on your right.

But be wary, there's danger when near the back fence,
be sure Tiny-Tommmy's not set up offence,
waiting to shoot, with a bow and arrow
while he hides behind his dad's wheelbarrow.
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/fat-freddy-chapter-1-barrow-load-untold-stories
Editing stage: 

Comments

funny little story! I had a little bit of a time with the rhythm in a few places, but overall, it was pretty good!
I think the lines are mostly too long and that is what is bothering me about this. ~ Geezer

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i read it over and over and can't find where you might stumble ,,, seems i may have fallen into the trap of knowing the poem too well and thus putting the emphasis where i want, rather than where the rhythm really is

i would love you to let me know where you stumble, if you have the time

thanks, again, so much, for the read and comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

re-read this; it comes out differently. I guess maybe I should read it maybe a dozen times, and still find that it changes. I'm not sure of what I heard the first time, so I can't tell you how or where I stumbled. I think that maybe you know where you wanted it to pause and I had a different idea about it. Too bad we aren't equipped for sound anymore. Still, a great story! Love ya, ~ Gee

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of yesteryear perhaps 2000?
Sweet verse

i haven't heard of the sylvanian family toys....
sylvilagus transitionalis is the scientific name for the cotton-tail rabbit....

thanks so much for the kind comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

the sylvanian families were toy animals that children loved. maybe thats where it came form
Thanks for the educate on rabbits

A lovely write on wabbits, yep there are toys from the Sylvanian shop, just have a look at what they have, I have found the pictures on search under:-
Images for sylvanian - Report images
The wabbits and many others, I just wonder how these images and the name came to you, may have been a latent memory from some place..
Take care and thinking of you all as usual, yours Ian.T

Just for information only...

Sylvanian

Sylvanian family is a set of well-known Japanese toys produced and by Epoch Co. Ltd. in 1985. These toys include a set of characters (animals), grouped into families that are believed to have human characteristics and qualities. The set includes animals like pandas, tanukis, koala, beavers, hedgehogs, mice and bears. It was introduced in UK and Ireland in 1987 and became one of the most popular toys amongst young girls in UK.
It won the British Association of Toy Retailers award for Toy of the Year for three continuous years from 1987 to 1989. Sylvanian family toys were launched in different ranges of sets in Japan that included houses, furniture, accessories and memorable characters.
Some of such ranges were the Urban Life Range, which was introduced in 1988 in Japan and consisted of more upper class Sylvanian that wore elegant clothes and lived in rich and posh townhouses.
One of the recent ranges of set would include the Willow hall range, the first house with lights in Sylvania, wherein the lights are interchangeable and can be switched on and off.
This set is famous amongst small girls- thanks to the incredible detailing of the accessories.
Today there are approximately 2000 individual figures of Sylvanian characters distributed by Flair Plc. in UK. But there are certain structural differences between the Sylvanian family toys sold in Japan and the ones sold in UK and US.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

i got the name from google (lol) - sylvilagus transitionalis is the scientific name for the cotton-tail rabbit.... not sure where the images came from - just an attempt to write for both adults and children....

love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

From superb poetic form, through impacting freeform and now this delightful piece.

I am not sure if it fits Wesley's Exposition, Complication, Climax and Resolution form. But if he complains I will smack him upside the head.

Isn't that a strange American expression "smack him upside the head"? It is very visual and expressive and I would love to know where it comes from.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

thanks for the supportive comments

lol - i know wes will say the components for a story are missing, but hopefully it will come together with the other chapters....

and yes i agree - 'smack him upside the head' ... lol yanks have as many stupid sayings as us aussies it seems

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

but better late...
I haven't seen you around lately Judy, but I don't get into all of the web's corners like I should so...
I hope all is well and you're just taking a well deserved break.

Jess is right in my thoughts on this, but not to the degree you or he suspects.
It brings up a subject I've been meaning to broach, but never seemed to get around to.
One of the more difficult things I had to learn in my "actor" days was that a story element (particularly the climax) need not be earth shaking to be apparent.
Sometimes a climax can be as cataclysmic as a catastrophe or as simple and mundance as a character saying "goodbye".
What brings each piece in focus is how it relates to the others. What I have found is that the greater a particular piece is expanded with detail, the less is that detail required in another. A character or circumstance well defined in an exposition will tend to cause a complication to appear with little or effort.
As I read Grimm's Fairy Tales I have come to the conclusion that many of them simply do not have all of these pieces and those lacking fall woefully short of entertaining. However, the occasional story that presents say... a complication in detail writes its own climax and resolution; sometimes in no more than a sentence or two.
Your "bunny tale" (get it? bunny tail? bunny tale?!... never mind) is long on exposition (as I find many fairy tales are), but slight (I won't say weak as that contradicts my point) in complication or climax. The resolution is and can only be obviously easy.
I stress these pieces of the story in hopes I can get poets to pay closer attention to them, but I don't think the reader needs to be beaten over the head with them to enjoy what is ultimately a sweet little... tale.
There is such a thing as subtlety (though it is certainly not MY strong suit) and I can easily see myself as a child sitting before grandpa and a fire listening to the latest installment of "bunny tales".
Whether this qualifies in the strictest sense with classic storytelling may be important to our workshop and its attempts to teach, but it is most certainly a "tale" (maybe there is a subtle difference between a "story" and a "tale").
At first I thought of Lewis Carroll, but I think Beatrice Potter is closer to the mark and it is ALL JudyAnne.

The line length seems fine to me.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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just what do we think is the difference between a story and a tale (or tail)

not much happenihg here i know... chapter 2 and stlll on introduction maybe?
hopefully my my muse is back, and the storyline may emerge in a few more poems' time...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Generally they are the same thing. The term "tale" is an older one. "Story" is the modern version used, though it is in modern grammar used sometimes as a grammatical term itself. In that respect it represents the story told in all poetry and prose intentionally or otherwise.

Too much information? I never could give a simple answer.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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