Seren,

this is not directed at anybody at Neopoet...I wouldn't be that cruel or rude to any fellow member of the community.

It is a hate filled poem.

Sorry you thought I would do this to someone in our community.

I have removed the sub-comment...I don't want anybody else thinking I would write such a poem for anyone here.

HS

Stan,

I like you being you...and that is why I have considered your changes. I have made some right away and others I will think on a little more first.

Thanks for your input...you always find something to make it better.

One point, the following lines need to stay as they are for the music produced for them:

After all those things for you I had done

and

After everything for you I had ever done

Really appreciate your time,

regards,

HS

Lou,

calling me a genius will not butter me up I'm afraid...that is not a title I am even close to being worthy of.

Verses 1 & 4 have a matching rhyming scheme and then verses 2 & 3 have their own rhyming scheme.

As you know, most of these pieces are intended as lyrics and the rhyming scheme gives a rounder feel to the whole piece. The rhyming isn't meant to be funny, but maybe more tongue-in-cheek or sarcastic. I'll leave them be for now as I hope the piece as a whole, does come across as funny, but very much an angry vent by me at someone who tried to ruined my life.

Thanks for the suggestions my friend,

HS

Gee,

indeed, if words could kill!!....Lol!

Thanks for reading my friend.

I know where Killer is if ever I need him.

cheers,

HS

Jim,

thanks for taking time out to read and comment.

When you just see lyrics without any music it forms a poetic structure...it is not until the music is added does it evolve from words to sound. It can be difficult to understand how my songs will work when you only see them written down. The fun part is bringing the words to life.

A typical ex-wife song. I don't intend to have any more Ex's, they are a pain in the ass!

It is a painful piece...just wait until the heavy bass and aggressive vocal style really kicks in and shows how I really feel!!

Thanks my friend,

HS

Zigs,

I knew you could understand this one...send it to whoever you want...I know she'll love it!! Lol!

Your suggestion about dropping the 'the' would work in all three verses with the 'the' in it. I am going to edit it right now - good suggestion.

Glad you liked it,

thanks for reading my friend,

HS

Shirl,

maybe we could work on a deal and we could sell this to your friends!!

A real bitch...oh yes!

thanks,

HS

Cat,

now a tri-write would be an experience, Killer, Styx & Hood...shall we do a love poem!!

You can send the nasty bitch my song if you want to.

Glad you appreciated the expression of emotions.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

HS

amalzamani,

I am the lyric writer and one half of the vocals for a band, Systema Synthetica. All my work is copyrighted to our own record label; Unsqueezed Productions. I only do this to prevent other artists using our work (which has happened in the past). This song has not yet been recorded but it should be included in a future album.

I am not sure why you say that "that’s not enough to describe a witch" I never said it was a song to describe her, it was about the actions surrounding her and my involvement. The verses are my own actions in dealing with this 'witch' and the chorus is what I feel about her. What title would you have given it?

"Show but don’t tell" - you are asking me questions here, when the whole trick of the write is to use your imagination - it is a teasing style...sorry this doesn't meet with your approval.

The first line of each verse is not supposed to be exactly what I did, it is a mere metaphor for saying I went through Hell to please you. The last stanza was specifically written so the last line of the song, shows that despite all I did, it was all pointless and a waste as it changed nothing.

The fourth stanza is the closing...so i am not quite sure what you are getting at. Please note this is four verses and two choruses, hence the slight change of direction of the middle section (the chorus).

Glad you enjoyed the 'raw emotion'.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope my explanation to your questions help you to overcome the sections which you brought into question.

regards,

HS
www.systemasynthetica.net

amalzamani,

lyric writing can be different from poem writing if trying to get the flow to work with music.

I won't ignore your thoughts, the whole point of this workshop is for readers to comment on their thoughts and hopefully help improve the poem/song.

I enjoyed your comments and hopefully explained why I had written the piece in this particular way.

You are welcome to comment on my work anytime, as I hope I am equally welcome to comment on yours.

kind regards,

HS