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Seasons (Splash Pool 'Writing Forms' Workshop)

Seasons (original)

The Autumn leaves fall around my feet
I crawl
My legs so weak, my body's beat
The seasons demon breaks my aching soul

The Winter snow drifts around my knees
I creep
Arms so cold, I begin to freeze
The seasons monster wrecks my silent life

The Spring dew drips upon my face
I walk
Mind weary, stuck in this place
The seasons vampire steals my lost soul

The Summer sun burns my tender skin
I fall
Exhausted, head caught in a spin
The seasons Devil deals me a wasted life

© 2011 hoodedstranger.com

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Seasons (free verse version)

The Autumn leaves fall
around my bloodied feet as I crawl in agony
My weary legs feel so weak
My body beaten beyond repair
And now to top it all
The seasons demon breaks my aching soul
Into two pieces
The Winter snow drifts
around my bloodied knees as I creep in misery
My arms freeze in this bitter cold
And to top it all
The seasons monster rips my silent life
From its roots

I search the day looking for a path
But the overriding confusion leaves me searching
and lost in the abyss
I recall the year I began my search
But the depression eating me has left me lost
in this barren land

The Spring dew drips
upon my scarred face as I stumble and walk
My broken mind amplifies my pain
Reverberating a deafening silence
And to top it all
The seasons vampire steals my lost soul
A tears it in two
The Summer sun burns
my scorched skin as I struggle to move
My distorted head spins
Disorientating me as I fight for clarity
And to top it all
The seasons Devil deals me a wasted life
And I search for what was never there

© 2011 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Western Classic/Rhymed. Written this way as it is a potential set of stanza's needing a chorus in order to convert into a lyric - And then a free verse version added for workshop purposes - HS
Editing stage: 

Comments

Might want to research demons or entities specific to a season. The Devil and summer works well, but a vampire which drains life seems out of place in spring. A spring cancer could expand to bursting and a winter windigo could haunt. Might want to add chorus once also..............stan

Stan,

not sure demons and the like are specific to the seasons. My idea was that no matter what the time of year, I am plagued by these entities inside.

I have now written a chorus btw:

Another day, another year
My path is still so unclear
Another day, another year
Lost in confusion and fear

Another year, another day
This path has led me astray
Another year, another day
No light to help lead my way

cheers,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I like the way you have used the seasons as a framework for each verse, maybe you could expand them a little, and make each verse a bit longer.

The colours of the seasons come through, even though you are talking about demons it doesn't seem particularly dark. Maybe that could be remedied by adding some more detail, or maybe a little more aggression is needed.

Maybe that is just me, you know how I crave the darkness LOL !!

Lou

.

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

yes the darkness of the piece would come over better with more detail...I'll look into that, just for you and your dark cravings!! Lol!

Aggression and seasons...a tough job to employ...but a worthy observation. Let me see what can be done.

Thanks for the comment,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Chrys,

chorus now added. I need to add more to the verses, and Stan, is probably right!

Cheers,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I am not into demons and vampires because I am terrified and can't sleep with nightmares that feel like I am literally being attacked. With that said by relating the poem to the seasons as you have is not so scary. it reads as a nature poem with the hint of the demons and vampire lurking.

really good flow and form

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Barbara,

thank you for your suggestions and observations. This does need some work, and to be honest I posted it because it does and hopefully will help the workshop.

I have my work cut out to please you all!

Thanks again,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

with Barbara, that you have used the seasons well, and that the hint of demons and vampires are just an added bonus! I think that they add just the right anount of angst. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Gee,

I knew the darker side in you would see where I was going with this...thanks mate.

When is Dark Side kicking off?

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

within a couple of weeks. I thought that it would be the first of this month, but I guess there are technical difficulties. Don't worry, I will be announcing it so loudly that you will hear it throughout the Neopoet land ! Thanks ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Here are some creatures/demons which could be seasonally associated :
winter
..yeti-Tibetan snow man
..Jotun-Norse frost giants
..Yuki-onna- Japanese, ghost like beautiful woman who freezes people lost in the snow with her breath

Spring
..Nymph,satyr,incubus,succubus- could be used for spring as they are all associated with fertility or breeding

Summer
..Balvala- India , demon of bad weather and storms; fills air with dust and stench (fits with hurricanes,dust storms,brush fires)

Fall
..witches (Halloween),Psezpolnica-Serbian harvest demon who dismembers or drives to madness

these are all from just a quick search..................stan

Stan,

it is clear I need to re-write this piece, so I will make use of these seasonal creatures - many thanks for investigating this for me. My internet at home has been broken for a few days now so I am having to use my work computer. It is now 10pm (GMT), so time to log off and get home.

Many thanks my friend.

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

It may be best to await rewrite until you are assigned which different style to use. After all, this is more a different style thing than a critique thing so no use in having to rewrite Twice lol.....stan

Stan,

Yes Sir!

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Yeah, yeah, whatever, now damn well vote for me,I must beat Yenti, at any cost!!

LOL!

seriously thanks for the comment.

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment
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