Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Where is the Road Less Traveled?

Time was...

dusty roads and drafty walls
horses, buggies and princess balls
fires lit the pages in books
while candied yams and homemade jams
neatly lined the kitchen nooks
meals were a necessity,
but not always a certainty
and the front porch?
Well, it was for family

Now the roads are paved with riches
faster cars, louder bars and hot-to-trot bitches
while we sleep with the light on
cause all the bills and thrills
have left the money gone
food is now a novelty
gorged on like some royalty
And the front porch?
Well, it's just a picture
from a Norman Rockwell scene.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is absolutely a brilliant way to show the difference(s) between the past and the present.
Really like it
Bravo!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thank you for the visit. Are you certain you have no critique? I'm starting to get a complex

Scott

author comment

We work and work to get more and more but the more we get the harder we must work to pay for it lol. You could replace bitches with wenches and maintain the rhyme without having to resort to profanity.........mean while, back to work

Good point. I guess I was caught up in modern day vernacular due to context.

Scott

author comment

going to simply agree with Rula but you want a deeper critique. Let me see, the first verse is near perfect, only the last line looses something in smoothness. I suggest dropping the question mark and trim some beats from the last line.
and the front porch
was for family.
or
was just family
Something like that anyway. The second verse I’d drop the “er” from faster and louder.
Cause wants an apostrophe at the start. Again I would drop the question mark after porch, also replace well, it’s with is.
That may be turning the poem more towards my voice than yours but I hope it has given you something to consider.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thank you for the detailed input. I'll look into the suggestions.

Scott

author comment

I think I loved this one, though it is built of concrete vistas,
I would love for you to look to the sides there in the breath of the winds, lives another world,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I think I know what you are saying. My reasoning for the selected language was something I learned a couple years ago. Don't use the poetry to attack the time period, allow the time period to attack the poetry. That being said, even though the imagery is "concrete", the poem itself should still be abstract.

Thoughts?

Scott

author comment

This piece is fine, just wanted you to visit the realms of gentle breezes, and thoughts that ride the waterfalls of the mind, I know, you know what I mean, so I will look forward to your thoughts,
Yours as always, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.