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War with Alcoholics or (The jokes on E)
One Drink to get the engine started
Two and I feel a rumbling starting
The Third and Fourth, There Lives within glass were rather short
As I looked at the fifth, I heard a voice insist "Slow down sport"
I must admit I've never been drunk so quick
Just before I rushed the next drink twards my lips
A fellow combatant hysterically admitted
"WHILE OUR SHOTS WERE SINGLE, WE POURED YOU DOUBLES"
"MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN TO A SIP"
As the whole bar looked at me and chuckled
My next move would be swift
Off the stool I made an exit so quick
Twards pocelin to vomit
The release felt like a gift
Easing my troubles
Halfway to the stall I stumbled
What did I do to deserve such cruelty? I wondered
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Patiently waiting for your thoughts.........Peace
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-06-07 04:30
Another way to say it is
the man swallows the first drink
the second drink follows the first drink
the third drink swallows the man
Poetry is always the best way of saying something.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Numero Negative...
Fri, 2012-06-08 21:44
Thank You
Appreciate your insight and I hope to hear more from you in the future.Looking foward to checking out some of your work also.I've just started a writing class though I'm not a beginner but I am working on my structure.
Peace
author commentIan.T
Sat, 2012-06-09 03:57
Numero
I think that you are over retching on this one, though it was fun the layout could have been better.
Jess was so quiet on this one..
Welcome to Neopoet and we look forward to more of your writing,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Numero Negative...
Sat, 2012-06-09 11:09
Thanks
This was a piece I did I did as an exercise in a new writing class I'm attending.Next time I'll be sure
to structure my piece with greater effort.Thanks for your comment
Peace
author comment