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Tha Bug Italian Sonnet WS

A ghast|ly win|ter bug |now has| me cross
I wish| this drip| py nose| to end| its race
To ease| this brok|en tooth| and swol|len face
My fleet|ing week|end plans| derailed| is lost

A tooth| thus far| havocked| inside| my mouth
My pa|rotid| glands is swol|len eat|ing candy| that's tart
Before| I be|gin throw|ing ver|bal darts
To stop| the pain| and swell|ing ra|veging| my life

Instead| I bought| healthy| breathe mask| for sucess
Avoid| the cold| and wind| that grips| my gum
In haste| I wait| to hear| my doc|tor's best
As flu| symptoms| has been| flushed from| my flesh
The path| of life| I walk| the race| I run
Through cor|ridors| of pain| and stress

Editing stage: 

Comments

A GAST|ly WIN|ter BUG |now HAS|me CROSS (Perfect Iamb)

I WISH| this DRIPP| y NOSE| to STOP| the RAIN (Perfect Iamb)

My SHORT | WEEKend| PLANS de|RAILED, all| is LOST ( three feet in this verse are off)

exCEPT| this BROKEN|en TOOTH| and SWOLL|en FACE (Perfect iamb)

 

BRAVO!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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a BAD| TOOTH WRECKED| HAVoc| inSIDE| my MOUTH (2nd and 3rd are off)

my pa|ROtid| GLANDS SOWLL|en EAT|ing CAN |dy ART (2nd and 3rd are off)(one feet is more) To EASE| thePAIN| and SWELL|ing RA| vegING| my LIFE (Perfect Iamb)

beFORE| I START| THROWing| SHARP VER|bal DARTS (3rd and 4th are off)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Now you need here a sestet (six lines) with a turn in the mood of the to quatrains You don't need the couplet. However, here is the parsing:

inSTEAD| i BOGHT| a BREATHE | HEALTH ly | MASK to| HELP ( 4th and 5th are off)( half a foot is less)

me BLOCK| the COLD| and WIND| that GRISP|| my GUM.(Perfect iamb)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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This is the Shark Pool. It's supposed to be hard.
You don't sound well. Remember the workshop must take second priority after taking care of yourself.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I'm sick as heck and this worshop making me wanna scream mercy. But I'm here to get this. So put
it on me till I get it right. If I can't handle it I pull away a day recoup and right back at it bc I'm never gonna be well enough to complete anything so I'm doing this lol.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

any and everytime.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I have this twice. Smh

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

I am working on this version dear. Why have two?
Please delete the other one and do your edits here.
While you edit, please look at the rhyme scheme. It doesn't meet the sonnet requirements in its recent endings.
In each quatrain it should be abba / abba so verse 1 should rhyme with 4 and 2 with 3
does this make any sense?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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You need now to think of the rhyme scheme which should be abba / abba / for the first two stanzas

abc/ abc for the sestet

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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Thanks yepee I got the first two steps (structure and meter) now for the rhyme scheme

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Wow - You're doing really well! you deserve a pat on the back. Well done.

Love Mand xxxx

Thanks I gett there

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

"race" and "face" work well , but not "cross" and "lost"
Also "tarts" "dart" work, though preferably be the "tart" and "dart"
"mouth" and "life" don't work.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I've been following you and silently cheering you on in your perseverance.
You are doing so well - almost there
Keep it up ((( clapping )))

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Should I start Elizabethan?

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

well done -
here is my interpretation, and I have given some suggestions. I hope you don't mind, and if you don't want them, then I hope you can ignore them :)

A GHAST| -ly WIN | -ter BUG | now HAS | me CROSS
I WISH | this DRIP | -py NOSE | to END| its RACE
To EASE | this BROK | -en TOOTH | and SWOLL | -en FACE
My FLEET | -ing WEEK | -end PLANS | de RAILED| is LOST
(all perfect – but for sense, i would make the ‘is’ in the fourth verse ‘all's’)

a TOOTH | THUS FAR | HAV -ocked| in- SIDE| my MOUTH
(a TOOTH | plays HAV | –ock THERE | in- SIDE| my MOUTH)

my pa | ROT –id | GLANDS is | SWOLL -en | EAT -ing | CAN -dy| that's TART
(SEVEN feet)
(pa -ROT | –ids SWOLL | -en EAT| -ing CAN | -y TART)

be –FORE | I be | GIN THROW | -ing VER | -bal DARTS
(be –FORE | i GET | to THROW | -ing VER | -bal DARTS)

to STOP | the PAIN | and SWELL | -ing RAV | - eg – ING | my LIFE
six feet
(to STOP | the PAIN | from RAV | -eg -ING | my LIFE)

In –STEAD | i BOUGHT | HEALTH -y| BREATHE MASK| to TEST
In –STEAD | i BOUGHT | a HEALTH | -y MASK | to TEST

a -VOID | the COLD | and WIND | that GRIPS | my GUM
in HASTE | I WAIT | to HEAR | my DOC | -tor's BEST
(iambic pentameter)

as FLU | SYMP –toms | has been | FLUSHED from | my FLESH
as SYMP | –toms OF | the FLU | all LEAVE | my FLESH

the PATH | of LIFE | i WALK | the RACE | i RUN
(iambic pentameter)

through COR | - ri –DORS | of PAIN | and STRESS
(four feet only)
through COR | - ri –DORS | of PAIN | and DOORS | of STRESS

hope this is of assistance
i love the subject matter lol

now to the rhyme
cross/ lost (no)
mouth /life (no)
tart / darts (almost)
test / flesh (no)
gum / run (no)
best / stress (no)
- but I would say not to worry about the rhyme for this one - now you are great with the iambic, perhaps you would like to work on the elizabethan? - that is easier for rhyming. I don't think Rula would mind

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks I appreciate the help. This is really hard. Afraid to start the Elizabethan now. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

it is just like the Petrarchan only laid out a little easier. The rhyme scheme is also simpler. Just find a subject and go.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Good edits, but I think that L1 S3 still needs work to be iambic.

Thanks,

Scott

Imade the changes, does it work for you?

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

If there is a prize for not giving up, I think you are up there in the running...i admire your grit and determination. I am sure you will keep at this one till you get a clap from Rula, Wesley, Judyanne and Scott who have been cheering for you...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Here are a few of my observations. I waited until you had a change to edit.

Fourth line, first stanza should be "are" not "is" which is singular. You need plural there.

A tooth| thus far| havocked| inside| my mouth ("havocked" is not actually a word, but who cares? I use nonce words all the time. The problem is again the meter. "Havocked" would be accented on the first syllable. You use it the other way around).

My pa|rotid| glands is swol|len eat|ing candy| that's tart (I had trouble finding any meter in this verse. You also have some misspelled words. I suggest turning the verse around perhaps.

The other problems have been addressed above.
Don't stop now. Help is on the way.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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It would be so easy to jus give up. I think I. Hold on the ws bavk as I g
Cant get to elizabeathn till Ive mastered Italian.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

The new workshop will answer a lot of questions you may have. Don't panic... help is coming.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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