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Springs Revival

All of earth awakens
Spring begins to yawn,
Plumes of breath exhaled
In the light of dawn.

Underneath the oak tree
In ferns of wetted green
Young deer forage
After winter’s lean.

Newly budded antlers
Bucks sniff the air
Baby fawn staggers
Doe’s stand and stare

Bushy tails and whiskers
In pelts of brown and grey
Sleepy liquid eyes
Pierce the light of day.

Icy grip is over
Winter hasn’t won
Nature is revived
By the fingers of the sun.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I wrote this poem about four years ago: I think it needs polishing up and revamping - any suggestions are welcome.
Editing stage: 

Comments

good one this...i wish you had posted it just at the onset of Spring..perhaps excitement of coming up with this write got the better of you...:) loved it though...

Much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Te he - this one was written some time ago! I think it's going to have a few updates! Here in South Wales it is quite mild at the moment, so spring is in the air, it's just got that feel about it - 'til winter renews its grip! Quite right though, probably should have waited before posting. You never know I might have finished tweaking it by the time spring comes. lol

Thanks Raj - your sooo nice

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

Ant good seasonal poem is fit to be read at any time of year. Indeed a poem of spring can be just the ticket in winter's deep. Here are some ideas for your upcoming edit. Use any or none with no worry of dismaying me.
Instead of my usual line and stanza number suggestions I'm gonna just post the poem with some changes made so you can more easily tell if my ideas have merit. This is Not me trying to take over your poem but I suspect you already know that.
The sleeping earth awakens
and spring begins to yawn
with plumes of breath being exhaled
in the early light of dawn.

Underneath the old oak tree
in ferns of wetted green
young deer forage hungrily
after winter's lean.

Beneath budding velvet antlers (the velvet doesn't become tattered until early fall)
bucks sniff the morning air
while a new fawn staggers
beneath its mother's stare

Bushy tails and whiskers
in coats of brown and gray
sleepy squirrels' liquid eyes
pierce the light of day

The icy grip is over
and winter hasn't won
Nature is again revived
by the fingers of the sun

I hope this is helpful and you know I'd not put this much into a poem i didn't already like......stan

Thanks for your input - will get back to this one after the workshop!

Great to hear from you!

Love Mand xx

author comment

Can you understand that whilst I appreciate this as a perfect example of form, perhaps why it causes me cognitive dissonance, is that I have this belief that poetry should be stirring shit at every turn.
I hate it because I can't fault it. You tread the line between mawkish sentimentality and true poetic beauty.
Actually, you never get close to the line. This is fucking good poetry.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I'm working on this one - it needs a good revamp. I wrote this quite a few years ago, thought I'd get it out of the cupboard and give it the once over, it's probably going to end up completely different:
( though I suspect it will still have that mawkish sentimentality about it ). Lol :)

Anyway I'm glad for your honesty and comments - ( I know I can trust your opinion. :)

Love Mand xxx

author comment

That as Jess says we are in the throws of Winter and this is a welcome to Spring Poem I shall start a Blog, with the heading of Spring Poems, so that we can keep them in one place and maybe have a best of the Spring Poems in there, this could be a start to the Neo Book by selecting Poems from various categories for their quality, what thinks you???
Yours will be the first and can be joined by more as they arrive, edits of the poem can be posted on PM to me and I will Edit the main poems.
I shall wait for feedback on this first..
Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

That would be fab! What's PM? :) ( I'm showing my ignorance aren't I ) Te he

Love Mand xxx

author comment

your Southern Hemispherian neighbours, Ian

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

You had your chance six months ago lol.
I know it will be hard to write about Spring when its just past midsummer but we would need a starting point.
It had slipped my mind but I hope that later topics will be equal to all spheres of this planet..
Still I am sure the Southerners memories can reach back that far lol.
There are a lot of South Africans here also don't you start them up, I have lived in both hemispheres over the years but can still write of the joy of Spring.
Take care young Traveller,
Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I just had to say a few words on this one as it really made me feel what coming Spring is all about. Your imagery is terrific, your brevity of line length makes me envious, and the way you have pulled it all together is poetry itself! Congrats on this one!

Thanks for your encouraging comment - I am sooo longing for spring to arrive, not a fan of winter, though I know it has it's own beauty. Glad you liked it and thank you soo much for reading and commenting.

Love to you :)

Mand

author comment

Great meter, great rhyme ... but that's par for the course with you :)

Wonderful imagery, as too, per usual
and as per usual, nothing to fault

Thanks for sharing
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks Judy - I was going to do a complete revamp on this one but I've had such encouraging comments on it I think I'll leave it as it is. Phew!

I really appreciate your coming by to read and comment - means a lot to me! :)

Love to you

Mand xxxxx

author comment

the wild yet lucid potentialities of the English language?
That small change makes a big difference.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ahh thanks Jess - nice of you to revisit - it is much appreciated.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

good one.

Alid

I hope you're feeling better! it's nice to see that you are managing to keep in touch! :)

Keep safe and thank you for reading and leaving a lovely comment

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

This is an absolute dream to read and as it sits now I wouldn't change a thing, brilliantly written with a touch of 'you' that shines through in most of the poems I read from you, its a pleasure to read you again

much love Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Sooo good to see you! I hope you're feeling o.k - I know each day is different, I hope today is a good day. :) you have made me smile with your lovely comment - I'm chuffed to bits!

I 'm looking forward to reading you're poetry - hopefully Monday, if not before.

In the meantime love to you and a big thank you from me. xxxxx

Mand

author comment

I think this qualifies as pastoral. You can save it for Stan's workshop.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Good idea - I'll do that!

Thanks Wes :) xxxxx

author comment
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