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Stellar Coolness

When earth twists around the block
to summer clock – tick-tock
the sun charged daylight
crazies up.

That heat source, in outer sky
is hot to fly – oh my
‘til it bursts orange
power down.

Still, when the moon flings around,
and earth, night bound – is gowned,
a stellar coolness
comes to life.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


how 'bout: "all ginned up"...or some variation of that.

"it's" in the last stanza...either it is, or its...I'm not sure how to read it...both make sense I think...could you clarify this for me

I like the poem's intent,, BUT, it does seem to be trying a little too hard...relax

I hope that is not offensive, Mand...just trying to stay honest with you.



should also convey
be not as abstract as me
else no one will even come near me

as it is no one comments
nor do we know
who came you know?

This is what Jess and Andrews
don't care to know
blame no one is coming to NEOY

each author poet
needs a pat
else poets run elsewhere flat!

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. :)

Yes lack of comments can be very discouraging - one of the special things about Neo is that it's a teaching site - unique among poetry sites ( there is always room for improvement ) and it's always a boost when we managed to write a good poem and we're told so by the experts.

Will be by to visit soon!

Love to you

Mand xxxx

author comment

many say are good
no less no more
just read these two
to lovedly

Thank you - I've corrected the it's to it. :) No problem with your observation - I prefer honesty, can't improve or make changes if I don't know the truth of peoples opinions.

Funny thing is though - I was struggling all day yesterday trying to improve a very ordinary old poem I wrote five years ago - and I was / am getting nowhere with it. ( dead in the water ). Then out the blue this popped out ( within half an hour ). Lol

Husband read it and said "it makes no sense".

Ahh well - strange how the brain works - maybe this poem was the release valve after trying all day to improve the other poem. Lol

Thanks for your visit and honest opinion Brittle Light - much appreciated.

Love Mand xxx

author comment

If it were not for the title I would have no hesetation suggesting dropping the o from lounging. I suspect however that may somewhat alter your intent. I guess my problem is that the concluding line appears opposed to the rest of the piece but maybe that is intentional.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy

Thanks for coming by to read and comment. :)

I'm wondering if the title / last stanza needs to be changed - the poem ( in my frazzled brain, at the time ) was about the summer sun.

Last stanza ( which I don't think I've managed to convey ) is about how the sun still effects earth via lighting up the moon ( fleshed radiance ) though it's a time for relaxation ( lounging ) for people.

( if that makes any sense lol ) God! not another poem to struggle over. Phooey!! :) :)

Thanks again Keith - Well I've got to give you folks a challenge sometimes! Lol

Love to you

Mand xxxx

author comment

Still, not done, when earth flings round
the moon inbound – is gowned,
rainbow radiance
lounging life.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy

Thanks for the return visit. Love the idea of adding a rainbow ( all the colours of the sun ). :) Here's another one incorporating mine and yours?

Still, when the moon comes around
and earth, night bound – is gowned,
a softer rainbow
lounges life.

author comment

I have yet to see a rainbow at night
rainbows are distortions
of sun light white
and very bright
with seven colours in sight

all know less or more

violet indigo blue yellow orange and red
all the above to make sure

'tis a rainbow of yore
and can happen
just as the rains cease
sun comes up once more
then alone 'tis a rainbow
that nature does ensure

was never suggested, only the multiple colours one might detect in an aura.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy

Thank you soo much for all your time and attention. I've had a busy weekend with grandchildren so apologise for late reply. I've changed the poem - taken out the rainbow! but don't worry I think this poem needs further attention. ( it's not fully expressing what I want ).

Thank you once again - keep safe all and have a good week.

Love Mand xxx

Ps I'm on a camping holiday next week and possibly the week after. I'll try to log in but I haven't got 3g so it will depend on if I can get wifi anywhere local.

Love to all xxx :)

author comment

you may well be able to call it a day. You are well along the road of diminishing returns as far as changes go. I certainly like where the poem is at the moment.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy

and all those who kindly made a comment or suggestions. Just to say a big thank you. :)

I'm tided up this week and I'm away down south next week. Will try to log in if I can. Sorry I haven't been around much. Love to all.

Mand xxxx

author comment
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