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To Tread This Earthly Corridor - ( For April Contest )
The earth is ours, a home to live
a time to take, a time to give.
We wake each morn, some rich, some poor
to tread this earthly corridor.
I fear for us, oh don't you see
how greed pervades humanity
unyielding nations fight in war
to tread this earthly corridor.
In ignorance we'll be bereft
when naked earth is stripped and left
devoid of life with men no more
to tread this earthly corridor.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Ahh well - thought I'd give it a go.
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2015-04-06 07:10
Mand
Rhymes well nicely written
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 12:25
Hi Barbara
Hope you're not in to much pain today! Thank you for the visit and kind words of encouragement! Much appreciated. :)
Love to you
Mand xxx
author commentBarbara Writes
Fri, 2015-04-10 02:04
Mand
An ear infection snd pounding headache has me but I'm still moving
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
mand
Fri, 2015-04-10 04:15
:)
I hope it passes soon - life can be a trial can't it!
Love to you
Mand xxx
author commentraj
Mon, 2015-04-06 12:33
Mand
I liked it. Each stanza consistent with theme. Whether or not it conforms to form I am far too ignorant in these matters, so can't comment. Good to see you try your hand and I guess you are doing pretty well and this time submitted your entry in time.
Best wishes and good luck,
raj (sublime_ocean)
mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 13:26
Hi Raj
Thought I'd give it a go - wasn't sure if it fitted the criteria but thought I'd try anyway. Aren't you entering this time? Don't feel discouraged Raj - I believe in you! you are a talented poet, these strict forms are hard to master, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.
You're always a great encouragement to me! :)
Love to you
Mand xxxx
author commentraj
Tue, 2015-04-07 13:32
Best Wishes and Good Luck
Best Wishes and Good Luck Mand
raj (sublime_ocean)
mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 13:51
:)
Thanks Raj :)
author commentRula
Mon, 2015-04-06 16:21
An awesome writing dear Mand
I love it and the refrain is very appealing toghether with the theme. It is a really gentle piece.
Only one suggestion if I may, Line 2 first stanza
"a time to laugh, a time to give."
do you think a time to [take], a time to give ....works any better?
just asking :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 12:32
Hi there Rula :)
Yes a time to take would make a nice contrast - going to change it straight away! Thank you Rula for your wise suggestion! :)
And thank you for your lovely comment. :)
Love Mand xxxx
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2015-04-06 17:48
I agree with Rula.
The verse is unbalanced as is.
Otherwise, this is a spectacular poem.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 12:38
Wes!
That's it, I've got a smile from ear to ear - not a pretty sight, it's a Wallis and Gromit smile, all teeth. Lol
Thanks Wes - you've all made my day!
Love to you :)
Mand xxx
author commentSparrow
Mon, 2015-04-06 18:21
Mand
Excellent and the crit is well founded, but this would stand on its own strength anyway.
Yours as always Ian. x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 12:39
Hellooo
Where's that cup of tea? I'm chuffed to little meat balls - did you find Fanny? Lol
Love to you
Mand xxx
author commentSparrow
Tue, 2015-04-07 18:53
Mand
How can I answer this question without dropping myself in the Ca Ca's,
As to the tea it will always be perfect, held in the think for eternity or till a like Spirit says I enjoyed that lol.
Mind you Sadie and the children never eat or sleep it is a totally different concept that needs a lot of think to become use to,
Take care Young lady, Yours as always Ian x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
judyanne
Tue, 2015-04-07 09:29
beautiful Mand
smooth ... just love the repeating line
best of luck in the contest
I was wondering about the theme, I don't read this as a worship .... but Wes said nothing, so it must pass as such... I guess it could be seen as worshipping 'to tread this earthly corridor' - love that verse - great refrain
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
mand
Tue, 2015-04-07 12:42
Thanks Judy
Best of luck to you too! There are many excellent kyrielle poems in the comp - including yours.
I'd never have know about kyrielle poems or sonnets etc if it wasn't for this site. :)
Love to you
Mand xxxx
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