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To Tread This Earthly Corridor - ( For April Contest )

The earth is ours, a home to live
a time to take, a time to give.
We wake each morn, some rich, some poor
to tread this earthly corridor.

I fear for us, oh don't you see
how greed pervades humanity
unyielding nations fight in war
to tread this earthly corridor.

In ignorance we'll be bereft
when naked earth is stripped and left
devoid of life with men no more
to tread this earthly corridor.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Ahh well - thought I'd give it a go.
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

Rhymes well nicely written

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

Hope you're not in to much pain today! Thank you for the visit and kind words of encouragement! Much appreciated. :)

Love to you

Mand xxx

author comment

An ear infection snd pounding headache has me but I'm still moving

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

I hope it passes soon - life can be a trial can't it!

Love to you

Mand xxx

author comment

I liked it. Each stanza consistent with theme. Whether or not it conforms to form I am far too ignorant in these matters, so can't comment. Good to see you try your hand and I guess you are doing pretty well and this time submitted your entry in time.

Best wishes and good luck,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thought I'd give it a go - wasn't sure if it fitted the criteria but thought I'd try anyway. Aren't you entering this time? Don't feel discouraged Raj - I believe in you! you are a talented poet, these strict forms are hard to master, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.

You're always a great encouragement to me! :)

Love to you

Mand xxxx

author comment

Best Wishes and Good Luck Mand

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks Raj :)

author comment

I love it and the refrain is very appealing toghether with the theme. It is a really gentle piece.
Only one suggestion if I may, Line 2 first stanza
"a time to laugh, a time to give."
do you think a time to [take], a time to give ....works any better?
just asking :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Yes a time to take would make a nice contrast - going to change it straight away! Thank you Rula for your wise suggestion! :)

And thank you for your lovely comment. :)

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

The verse is unbalanced as is.
Otherwise, this is a spectacular poem.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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That's it, I've got a smile from ear to ear - not a pretty sight, it's a Wallis and Gromit smile, all teeth. Lol

Thanks Wes - you've all made my day!

Love to you :)

Mand xxx

author comment

Excellent and the crit is well founded, but this would stand on its own strength anyway.
Yours as always Ian. x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Where's that cup of tea? I'm chuffed to little meat balls - did you find Fanny? Lol

Love to you

Mand xxx

author comment

How can I answer this question without dropping myself in the Ca Ca's,
As to the tea it will always be perfect, held in the think for eternity or till a like Spirit says I enjoyed that lol.
Mind you Sadie and the children never eat or sleep it is a totally different concept that needs a lot of think to become use to,
Take care Young lady, Yours as always Ian x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

smooth ... just love the repeating line
best of luck in the contest

I was wondering about the theme, I don't read this as a worship .... but Wes said nothing, so it must pass as such... I guess it could be seen as worshipping 'to tread this earthly corridor' - love that verse - great refrain

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Best of luck to you too! There are many excellent kyrielle poems in the comp - including yours.

I'd never have know about kyrielle poems or sonnets etc if it wasn't for this site. :)

Love to you

Mand xxxx

author comment
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