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Eden Smiled

I ambled among the Daydreams
bathed in sun lit flaunts,
each one graced and charmed it seems
by drops of lemon light taunts.

I relished every single cup
made of silk attire,
each one tall and all grown up
'midst flames of golden fire.

I watched as people stopped and bowed,
stooped to their gala,
each one wooed and nosy wowed
to whiff their perfume parlor.

I heard the bees in ardors clutch
buzz about the bunch,
each one romped by suckles touch
In bowl’s of pollen rich punch.

I loitered there, where Eden smiled
joined by my fellows,
each one blissful and beguiled
with raves of vibrant yellows.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Can I offer some suggestions?

I happened upon some daydreams, (drop 'some' - for the rhythm)
bathed the sunlit flaunts, ( bathing summer flaunts? - again for the rhythm)

I noticed their orange dipped cups
made of silk attire,
('I noticed' - superfluous - if you hadn't noticed it you wouldn't be writing about it)
? Their orange paint-dipped cups ?

each one tall, and all grown ups (forgo perfect rhyme for better grammar - up)

Or
each orange paint-dipped cup...
graceful, tall and all grown up

I enjoyed the use of vernacular as in
I loitered there, where Eden smiled
joined by me fellows

I enjoyed reading this Mand
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Question?

would you say the lines in this poem have consisted meter / syllable count - or do you think it needs working on? Do you find it hard to read aloud?

author comment

Thank you soo much for your kind suggestions: Bit at a time - first point:

Would this be better?

I walked among the daydreams
bathed in summer flaunts

author comment

Yes that sounds much better to my ear
summer or sun-lit - either - i like sun-lit, or sun-kissed....

It's amazing how tiny changes alter rhythm and meaning...
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

is this any better for the second stanza?

I relished every single cup
made of silk attire,
each one tall and all grown up
that set my senses afire.

author comment

But the last verse...
what about leaving out 'my'? (rhythm again - lol, pedantic me)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

It's much better now! Not sure about leaving "my" out it would read - joined by fellows - is that what you mean? You're up late!!! :) :) or is it early.

would: "me and my fellows" be any better? :)

author comment

That's the vernacular I like !!

I meant the 'my' in 'that set my senses afire.'

Not late here -not yet quite 8.30...
just finished watching my football team lose ....AGAIN
*unhappy face*
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I'll take a look at it now! :)

author comment

"that flamed my senses afire" ? any better - still got "my" in though. :)

author comment

But it's minor.... leave it if you think you need the 'my'
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Will see if I can come up with an alternative - if not I'll keep it as it is. Hope your team win!! if it hasn't finished already. :)

author comment

"midst flames of orange fire" :)

author comment

I like that !!!

Orange..... .? Or golden...?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

:) Will change - Thank you!

author comment

because 'senses afire' is really the problem, but that is your rhyme.... so I was working around the 'my' instead.
On thought, however, 'that set my senses all afire' I think works
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Makes me think of holding hands and walking the Yellow Brick Road! Or maybe the Good Trip Lollypop. Loved it! ~ Gee

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That's what a day in the Botanical gardens does to ya! Haha - + a few well aimed observations from a keen eyed Neopoet critique'r. :)

Thanks Geezer - Nice of you to read and comment! :) appreciated.

author comment

This is so good Mand in many ways...word usage to create the mood and imagery and rhyme pattern...show me your back..i wanna give you not just a pat but a big thump :)

Much love n hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

I need a good thump now and again! :)

Thanks Raj - much appreciated xxx :)

Love to you

Mand xxxx

author comment
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