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Spiralling (co-write with Xena465)

Submitted by Hooded Stranger on Tue, 2010-12-07 12:05

Spiralling

And so I fall
Although I go unnoticed
I watch ‘normal’ people pass me by
They don’t see me, nor do they need me
I’m worthless
Nobody tries to understand me
Doctors try but they can’t save me
Maybe today will be my last
Maybe another drink first
And a silent scream or two
With a little self-harm for that rush of feeling
I’m beyond help, just a waste of life
I look at my scars, perfect lines down my wrist
A reminder that I'm nobody and still useless
I hate this world but not as much as it hates me
And so I crawl

Shouting loud, but not for attention
Screaming out to release this tension

And so I fall
Although nobody acknowledges me
The ‘perfect’ people avoid eye contact with me
They have no need or use for someone like me
I’m useless
Does anybody really care?
Psychologists and counsellors can’t mend me
Maybe today will be my last
Maybe another cigarette
With a panic attack thrown in for good measure
And some self-harm to make sure I still feel
I’m tainted, and damaged beyond repair
I look at my scars, perfect lines down my wrist
A reminder that I'm nobody and still worthless
I hate this life but not as much as I hate myself
And so I crawl

We don’t fit it, we don’t belong
Here today, but tomorrow gone
We’re here now, but feel withdrawn
Won’t be seeing the breaking dawn

We don’t fit in, we don’t belong
Here today, but tomorrow gone
Outcasts and freaks, we’ve become
Our empty hearts beat a different drum

And so I crawl
Salty tears run down my sorry face
I want to belong but nobody lets me in
I’m meaningless
Frustration hits me across the face again
Determination withers and dies
I inhale the negativity and exhale my choking fumes
Today will definitely be my last
Just bang my head against the wall one last time
Am I really all alone, does nobody else feel like me?
To be honest, I no longer care
I’m falling, caving in, I’m losing it, I’ve lost
I feel the scars that caress my blackened heart
A reminder that I'm broken and have no purpose
I hate this life but not as much as it hates me
And so I fall

Breaking down, losing self-control
Spiralling down into this black hole

And so I crawl
Bitter tears fall and sting my ugly face
Can’t find a place where I am accepted as me
I have no purpose
Anger and spite rage beneath my skin
Confidence wanes and self-respect dies
My insides twist into a ball of razor wire
Today will definitely be my last
Just one last pill for a final kick
I’m so alone amongst this world of plenty
But I have to admit, nobody will miss me
I’m crushed, I’m dying inside, I'm as good as dead
I feel the scars that caress my blackened heart
A reminder that I'm broken and meaningless
I hate this world but not as much as I hate myself
And so I fall

We’re shouting out, losing self-control
We’re screaming loud into our black hole
Losing our footing on this slippery ground
Spiralling inside out and upside down
And so we crawl,
And finally fall

Written by Hooded Stranger & Xena465

© 2010 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Rosina & I put our minds together and came up with various words and phrases that described best our own inner emotions regarding depression. The final version came out longer than we had expected, but when it came to cutting it down a little, we couldn't decide which lines to remove, so we left them in...for now. Apologies for the addition of a chorus and outro...I couldn't help myself. This piece is a mix of Freeform and Western Classic. Thanks for reading - HS & Xena
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2010-12-07 12:24

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I couldn't find a place to cut it right away either! I am going to bookmark this, so I can read and reread it, and compare it to what you finally come up with. There are others, sharing the misery of depression, that will surely see themselves in this. You are never alone... Respectfully, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2010-12-07 12:34

Hooded Stranger's picture

Gee,

it wasn't a case of Rosina & I being unable to agree between us about where to cut it, it was just simply everyline seemed too important. It should never have been as long as it was...but there you go!

I am glad you too couldn't find any place to remove lines either.

We started off with the idea that each would have two verses about themselves. Oncew we had finished them, it became apparent that all four verses fitted us perfectly...although the self-harming aspect was mine and not Rosina's.

It would be nice if nobody connected with the piece, then it would mean we don't have any other members sufferering with depression, but alas, I think some may find parts of themselves in the words.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts my friend,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Tue, 2010-12-07 14:34

lou's picture

The verses are quite lengthy, but the words that have been used obviously mean something to you, so don't change a thing.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2010-12-07 14:37

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

we have considered the length of the lines, but we agreed in the end to keep them as they are and see what reaction we get to them.

The lines are all important as you said.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2010-12-09 10:45

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I can completely relate to this piece! It was a long time ago that I was greedily swallowed by my depression. I contemplated suicide and even had a plan worked out. I'm an ex-cutter, thanks to the therapy I received. It took many tries but I finally found the right therapist to help me. Now I have a pact with Steve, to tell him first and give him the chance to talk me out of it. This piece brought tears to my eyes, remembering.

We’re shouting out, losing self-control
We’re screaming loud into our black hole
Losing our footing on this slippery ground
Spiralling inside out and upside down
And so we crawl,
And finally fall

Brilliant verse! Check the spelling on spiraling, as I think it may be wrong.

p.s.
I, for one are glad you are here. I wouldn't cut a word of it!

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-12-09 12:40

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Cat,

it is difficult to reply to your comment, as your reading of it brought you back memories, which should be long forgotten. On the otherhand, I find it good to share these thoughts and images as a way of telling people that they are not the only one out there suffering.

I see you liked the 'outro'...I so nearly didn't write a chorus, bridge or outro as I was aware how long this piece was already without them...but something made me keep them in after I had written them.

Long pieces like this don't normally get many comments and it is a tough one to comment on, that said, I hope it helps those who do read it in some way.

Spiralling - the English version does have the double 'LL' and the American version has just one. With me being English and Rosina being Scottish...I went for the 'LL'.

Glad you agree not to cut a word from it...we did struggle with trying to and gave up in the end,

many thanks for your positive comment,

love,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-12-09 14:06

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Rosina,

I often have to consider the audience who will read the poetry. Neopoet is American afterall, and it is a challenge to decide which versions of words to use.

I have issues with the word 'grey', 'gray' in US, and recently I have been writing my novel and using the American versions of words as they have become more natural to me than the UK ones!

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-12-09 14:08

Hooded Stranger's picture

Cat,

just adding to Rosina's comment above: although I wrote the actual verse you have mentioned, it was based on many words and phrases from Rosina.

I wrote most the piece, but it wouldn't have been done at all without the support and offer of feelings and emotions to include by Rosina.

Let's agree this is a 50/50% piece.

love,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Sun, 2010-12-19 14:31

this makes a hard read and must of being even harder to write
ther are many good lines to mention but ye both know them to
many to mention but this stood out to me,
"breaking down, losing self-control
spiralling down onto this black hole"
I feel a deep need within this, and I like the lenght of the write
it shows depth of thought here , I am impressed with this
for sure I will be back to read again xena and hood ,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-20 14:39

Hooded Stranger's picture

Zigs,

it wasn't the easiest write I have done, especially when we were using emotions from both myself and Rosina.

It was a long piece, but in the end we decided that the length was appropriate because of the emotions and feelings we wanted to include.

Thanks for reading this one my friend, it is always good to get your feedback.

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-20 14:42

Hooded Stranger's picture

Shirl,

thanks for taking the time to read and comment on our co-write. Depression is a terrible disease and one hidden from view...you can't walk down the street and see people with depression...we are good at hiding it anyway!

It is a lonesome disease and one that other family and friends find hard to deal with, often leaving the sufferer alone as they are not quite sure how to help or what to say.

Glad you enjoyed the write (if enjoyment is the right word)...Rosina was a huge help in writing this and I am proud to have written it with her.

kindest regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

mand

Mon, 2010-12-20 15:11

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There is nothing worse than the torture of depression - negative thoughts spiralling out of control.

Very deeply, emotionally accurate

You both provided a powerful poem - awesome.

Love Mand xxxxxx

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2010-12-28 09:34

Hooded Stranger's picture

Mand,

thanks for dropping by to read and comment - always greatly received,

many thanks,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

themoonman

Tue, 2010-12-28 10:12

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This write is very easy for me to feel,
I've been there much of my life. I notice
that you wanted some culling, the first
thing that struck me is the overuse of
pronouns, many could be removed or
replaced quite easily, it isn't necessary
to keep reminding the reader of 1st person
narration. The transition between me and we
wasn't smooth for me, I realize it is a co-write,
but if one were reading this without that knowledge
would that transition be smooth? Hope ya'll don't
mind my looking at this ...

The change in form is effective, it lends to
keeping interest, good move ... enjoyed the read.

Richard

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2010-12-28 10:38

Hooded Stranger's picture

Richard,

I understand your comment about the overuse of pro-nouns and had previoulsy, before posting looked at that to see how it could be improved...my conclusion, was that I felt it worked better with them in. That said, I will take a closer look as I respect your suggestions and you're probably right too. It helps when somebody else outside the box looks at poem/song. Thanks for this.

The transition between 'me' and 'we' - This is a difficult one because each verse is either Rosina or myself, and the only way to combine the two verses was to have a linking 'chorus' which took into account the two voices combined as one. I played with this suggestion a little:

Don’t fit it and don’t belong
Here today, but tomorrow gone
Here now, but feel withdrawn
Won’t be seeing the breaking dawn

Don’t fit in and don’t belong
Here today, but tomorrow gone
Outcasts and freaks feeling numb
Empty hearts beat a different drum

This is just a quick attempt at your suggestion...does that sit better to you?...I will take a fresh look at it later.

Richard, of course I don't mind you taking a look at this and offering suggestions - I respect your comments and enjoy your ideas.

Glad you liked it my friend.

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

themoonman

Wed, 2010-12-29 01:02

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Removing the "we" would work, but ... just me, I like the
verses with the "we", perhaps an introduction to the other
or others with something along the lines of ... "but there
are others like me, or I know there are others", and then
maybe the transition would be a smoother sail in logic.

I can see how if this were set to music, removing some of
the pronouns would be difficult, but; and this is only my
opinion, most poetry benefits from a lesser amount of
pronouns.

You and Rosina did a great job with this poem,
thanks for sharing with us.

Richard

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-12-29 03:34

Hooded Stranger's picture

Richard,

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. I have worked this one with a song in mind, and of course you've looked at from a poetry point of view. This means both our separate ideas work depending on the viewpoint.

I'll leave the chorus and the pronouns for now, but I may decide to work this as a poem as well in which case your suggestions would be most useful.

Thanks again my friend for taking time to read and comment,

kindest regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-12-29 11:28

Hooded Stranger's picture

Rosina,

that's enough of putting yourself down! You go right ahead and write a poem version of this. You are a much more talented writer than you believe.

You won't spoil it at all...I have every faith in you.

Regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2010-12-29 03:39

Hooded Stranger's picture

Ian,

this piece is quite in your face as it isn't a topic to write about subtely.

It has always been good therapy for me to write about this topic and I know that Rosina does too.

If this piece helps just one other person, then it makes writing this piece all the more worthwhile...we are not alone with this illness, but the nature of the thoughts mixed up in the head makes you believe you are the only one.

A sequel based on the light of recovery...now that is an intersting idea, thanks for that. I'll keep you posted.

Many thanks for your kind comment,

have a great 2011,

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment
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