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The Spider's Intricate Web

The Spiders Intricate Web

Caught within the spider's web
I dangle from a silver thread
between the then and now

Morning dew rests heavy
on intricate design
wherein sleep the thoughts
of a conflicted mind

Set betwixt and between the two
a chasm of darkened shadow
the slightest of breath
may mean a death
will it be the spider or I

Hold tight to ideals and illusions
although they add to the confusion
yesterday,today tomorrow
leaving nothing in their wake
as the stage of life is set

A muddled mass of senses abound
without fragrance,beauty or sound
as days march on to the beat
of a distant drum echoing no meaning

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Here you go Jim!
Editing stage: 

Comments

But, the way you have woven them together, like the spinning of a spider's web itself, they fit into place with each other quite profoundly! Very nice write!

Thank you kindly

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I understand it is free verse but the stanzas establish a rhythm that is neither maintained nor expanded and the rhyme scheme feels out of place and incomplete.

Also, a number of the lines have a stilted grammar that feels as if it exists to hit a syllable count for no apparent reason.

Lastly, the title appears overly grandiose. Perhaps something like "INTRICACIES" to give it the subtext without giving away the entire image in the title.

There is some good imagery and I feel this could be a good piece with more attention to flow and language and either a more conclusive ending or a more comprehensive setup for the despair.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

will give your comment some serious thought

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Thanks!
This is a little disjointed when read. I think that this is due to a simple lack of punctuation.

Wait, ME wanting punctuation! LOL I find myself doing that more often.

When spoken aloud, I find that this poem flows off the tongue very well, and lends itself wonderfully to recitiation. It has a powerful flow and cadence that I completely missed when reading it. Spoken aloud, this poem carries an emotive thrust of conflict, doubt and despair that is very strong.

I considered that you might want to re-arrange the lines a bit, to make them more reflective of how the poem is spoken, but I have to admit I enjoyed the revealing of the poem's concealed rythym as I spoke it aloud, so for me, I wouldn't change the structure.

I like the title too, it re-inforces the imagery in the body of the poem,

When I spoke this, only the last line threw me, and I think the minor stutter there at the end could be fixed very easily, by replacing "that echoes" with "echoing".

I like this very much Chrys, I'm glad you re-posted it.

Thanks again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Will take a look at the suggestion you have made. Thank you for reading. Disjointed yes it was meant to be suchas ibn disjointed thoughts etc. The lack of punctuation ah mr. Jim I'm not going to go into yet again why there is no punctuation lol It is acceptable as long as there are end stops etc. in freestyle/verse writing. I'm sure there are those that disagree with me but hey that is ok as well.

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Thanks, that does work better

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment
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