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Invictus re write(for masters ws) original poem by Wm Ernest Henley

Invictus re write (for WS Meet The Masters)

From the darkness surrounding me
ebony dungeon without end
thankful for what protection be
for what I know I must defend

In the cruel hold of condition
no sound does utter from this tongue
beneath the beatings of transition
bruised and battered but not undone

Above this state of anger and fears
hangs still,the terror in the shadowed
although the ever present years
I remain brave and un harrowed

No change within the path I take
nor the amount of challenge in the role
I alone will control my fate
I am the one that leads my goals

Last few words: 
this is for Meet The Masters Workshop
Editing stage: 

Comments

this is a powerful poem about the triumphant soul.

Alid

Thank you , I don't believe I did justice to the original though, It has more of a punch
My favorite line from the original is

It matters not how strait the gate
how charged with punishment the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul

the entire poem has a very deep rooted meaning for me

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Having both seen the original poem and heard it recited, I can honestly say that your re-write is exceptionally well done! You have maintained the premise and optimism of the work, and your language use is spot on! All in all, a marvelous job of which you have a right to be proud!

thank you,your comment means a lot to me.
It was not easy to re write as I am not a fan of structured poetry
but I will write it when forced to lol

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I am not part of this workshop but will just pop in to say that your write is exceptionally good.
I had a flag up on the 2nd and third lines in your last stanza not sure why but it came up as:-
nor will the amount of challenge in the role
I alone control my fate.
Not sure of the context but I thought I would say.
Take care , Yours as always, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

thank you

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Your slight change has made this one of your best and enhances the poetry by the old masters, Yours Ian x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

(though I believe you forgot to check the box that puts it in the workshop stream)

cheers,
Jess
New Workshop!-
Critique For New And Old
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-new-and-old

Thank you kindly

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

A difficult poem to rewrite imo
I have to say, though, that although yours does do it justice, I do prefer Henley's version :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you although I think Henley had more experience than I lol

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I never meant that I didn't think your write anything less than really well done,... I just don't think anything can beat Henley's last stanza.... it has forever been one of my favourites..
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

didn't take it that way
I agree his last stanza is what caught me. Although the entire poem is one of my favorites. I can easily identify with the words

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment
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