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To Serve Poet -Silly Putty Girl vs Master Baiter

Round 2
"Hello …you look
familiar."
"Really?Have I
met you before
somewhere?"
"You went to
Duncan Myer
High.Right?"
"Yea! I did
did you …?"
"Yea …Go Duncan
High Rangers!"
( Whoa! What a hook!)
Flag on the play
she has a class
bumper sticker
on her car.
Round 2 to him.

Round 3
"Hello we haven’t
met yet."
"I’m sorry how
should I know you?"
"I’m a friend
of Inez."
"Oh I know her
too…"
(Whoa!That was
a smooth line!)
Flag on the play
she picks her friend
up from work every
other day and
she wears a
name tag at work
Round 3 to him
she is putty in his hands

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

intrigued by your form in this poem! More like a script of narrative, but still...
I like the theme, but I am confused by the sequence. Are you having three different conversations?
Can you use some way to differentiate between the hidden thoughts from the actual conversation?
Now, as to your composition of your sentences and spelling:
1] I would use [see ] instead of meet
2] Use [ met ] instead of meet
3] The [ h] is missing from should.
I hope this helps, ~ Geezer

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
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Maybe I will get some guidance as to how to make that clearer. Please elaborate on the Met Meet as far as what line the swap needs to be made in.

Thanks for your critique.
David

author comment

the line: "Hello, we haven't [ meet ] yet." It should be; [ met ]. ~ Geezer

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

but in fact this guy sounds like a bit of a stalker, which sinister tone is lacking from the poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

what I was relating was the glibness practiced by stalking working the charm, and how methodical their grooming is. So I am going at it from the perpetrators perspective. How it becomes a game with them.

Thanks for the critique.

author comment

by your concluding in your comment that you sensed that he was a stalker indicates that in that manner it worked.

I will post my more sinister on next.

You know me and how i liked to toss around various forms, and structure. All this good feedback is bringing back into the swing of things. I hope to redevelop my critical viewing as well, so i can start reviewing, and critiquing poets again confidently.

author comment

Sorry this just didn't go in, I have read it several times and the form just wouldn't send the correct message to me.
Is there a correct reason for writing a poem, is there an impression a poem must give.
May be a cue for a workshop on clarity is called for and the purpose of a poem, not sure.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

this was also a shortened rewrite of another poem wrote by you, this lacks cohesion you must prior to that

this sounds more like a written script instead of a poem to me. I would suggest verses describing the stalking action instead of conversations but that may not sit well with the title...

Alid

It might be the narrow vertical form of this poem which is bothering some people. Each time a line ends there is a natural pause in the flow whether there is a comma there or not. And with so many artificially short lines this comes across as being choppy. So you need to decide for yourself whether the form is going to over ride the ease of conveyance. I Did like the way you used almost total lack of punctuation to clarfy which part of this was an aside............stan

see how this looks (you would need to use advanced formatting):

-Silly Putty Girl vs Master Baiter-

Round 1
" Hello,nice to
see you ."
"Uh hi…have
we met…?"
"Nice shoes!"
"Why thanks
I just bought
them…"
(Whoa!)
Flag on the play
he was there
when she got
them at the mall!
Round 1 to him…

Round 2
"Hello …you look
familiar."
"Really?Have I
met you before
somewhere?"
"You went to
Duncan Myer
High.Right?"
"Yea! I did
did you …?"
"Yea …Go Duncan
High Rangers!"
( Whoa! What a hook!)
Flag on the play
she has a class
bumper sticker
on her car.
Round 2 to him.

Round 3
"Hello we haven’t
met yet."
"I’m sorry how
should I know you?"
"I’m a friend
of Inez."
"Oh I know her
too…"
(Whoa!That was
a smooth line!)
Flag on the play
she picks her friend
up from work every
other day and
she wears a
name tag at work
Round 3 to him
she is putty in his hands

 

 

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Excellent feed back. I look forward to returns I am dealing with an illness in the family lately but look forward to being back regularly.

author comment

I have really missed you, my friend.
Please do have a look at the re-formatting I suggested. I believe it will make the whole thing clearer.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

that it is; the "Hello's' that throw everyone off. I still tend to think of each of the verses as being a separate conversation. Or maybe, it is the [stalker] thinking of different ways to approach his victim? Holding each of them in his head before the approach? ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

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